We are extrmely please to announce that ... drumroll ... Mastiff clash of cymbols ... is back with us in the Humor department! In preparation of the new material that he will bring us beginning with the October issue, we are letting our newer readership get a sneak preview, complete with retro banner, in order to become acquainted with him by recalling some of the ...

Classics by Mastiff

by Mastiff

Kids Say the Darndest Things!
from 1998

There have been many articles and posts of late that deal with Goreans and their offspring. In most cases, the discussions revolve around the children who live in an environment that is not the norm in most places on the planet. While some parents can be totally frank with the tykes that are old enough to understand, others are not quite so lucky. Others have to hem and haw, hide their true nature, and basically keep a “normal” existence. More often than not, it is not for the benefit of the kids, but for the world around that may be watching more closely than normal. So then, what can a poor parent say when found in a position of Gorean nature? Well, maybe these examples can help.

Let’s say youngster finds his mother, in a collar, at the feet of her master for the first time. One can only imagine the questions that will spurt forth, and the stuttering for answers that would follow. So instead of waiting on the moment, why not prepare instead? Here are a few examples, and some possible answers:

Curious Rugrat: Um, why does mommy have that thing around her neck?

Openly Gorean Parent: Well, son, your mother is also my slave, and that is her collar.

Cannot-be-so-Gorean Parent: Well, son, I was giving Ol’ Mom a wild ride last night, and I gave her whiplash. That is a neck brace, of sorts, that I use to hold her still!

While it certainly isn’t the whole truth, and you may have to explain the meaning of “wild ride,” you have managed to shy away from the direct Gorean content. For many little ones, that might be enough. For others, the sight of a woman knelt before a man may bring more to mind.

Even-more-curious Rugrat: Say Dad, what’s with all the kneeling?

Openly Gorean Parent: Well, since this woman is a slave, her proper position before a free man is on her knees.

Cannot-be-so-Gorean Parent: Son, I was about to get a blowjob. Thanks for coming in...

Assuming the child’s father was about to have oral sex, this is not an untruth. But more importantly, the conversation has been steered in a direction that is away from the taboo subject! Now, it is possible that you might very well spend the next hour or two explaining aspects of this facet of sexual activity, but then, it is not a practice that is frowned upon by the rest of the known world. Even though, in much of the United States and other countries, it is still a crime for consenting adults to engage in the activity.

So, you have adapted your activities to a point where being discovered in Gorean activity is very slight, but, there may be some things around the house that you have not hidden quite as well as you thought. One day, while just sitting on the couch, out pops Junior with a five bladed Gorean slave whip that was carefully stashed behind a stack of Playboy magazines!

Whip-holding Linoleum Lizard: Yo, Pops! What’s this thing?

Openly Gorean Parent: That is a slave whip, son. It is used to correct my slave.

Cannot-be-so-openly Gorean Parent: Well, boy, sometimes at night there is a beast in the bedroom, and I have to tame it with that whip. In fact, if you hear loud noises coming from the room, stay away! You don’t want the beast in your room!

Well, again the truth has been told, as slaves are beasts. And, as an added bonus, you have given the child good reason to steer clear of your bedroom at night! There are sure to be other items in the house, a slave ring or a length of chain, but the other item, which is of great significance, is the Home Stone. This is a bit more difficult, and I am not sure I have the answer. Usually placed in a prominent place, and guarded well, it is sure to be recognized as something of great importance. While saying, “It’s a rock,” may work for a time, it is sure not to last. I know from experience that visitors just love to fool with the Home Stone, as if drawn to it by some unseen force. It is an odd coincidence that my son gave me the rock that would become my Home Stone long before its significance would become evident. This is one of my two sons who know about Gor.

It is very unfortunate when persons who are not Gorean tell children of Gor, and the philosophy of Gor. And this is a subject of which I can certainly speak of from a point of experience. Recently, I sent one of my sons a small sum of money which he needed, since he will speak to me pleasantly on the telephone. My other son, who does not speak pleasantly in the least, received none. During the next call, I got this from him; “You didn’t send me any money because I don’t like your slave!” Now, I have never attempted to explain these things to my sons due to their age and my own situation, so they have been told things about my lifestyle by persons who have no clue what it means to me or anyone else who lives it as best they can. Yes, children say the darndest things, and it is so unfortunate that this world, with its absurd mores, denies me the opportunity to give them the explanations they deserve.

It’s All Greek to Me
from 1999

A very interesting concept, debated by eggheads everywhere, is that of the so called “Alpha Male.” The appellation, in a simple explanation, is used to describe a particular male, or group of males, which exert dominance over other males. It is my assumption that the Greek letter of Alpha is used for some particular purpose, but the purpose escapes me. I suppose the English translation of “First Male” could be used, but that sounds too much like a man married to a female president, and that is a thought that makes me shudder. So then, perhaps “Biggest Balled Male,” “Baddest Mo'Fo' Male,” or “Knuckle Dragging Male” might better be used as a term. Of course, the last one might get you killed or wounded if you happened to mention it in his presence.

You might note that my designations would apply to men, and not males of other species, which might be the reasoning behind the use of the Greek language. The early Greeks, as I recall, were a fun loving bunch of men who enjoyed wine, philosophy, and occasionally, each other. I suspect they spent their aggressive natures in the Olympic Games or on the “Omega Males,” which also makes me shudder. Perhaps if the eggheads had meant men instead of males, more of the Greek alphabet would have been used to designate other types of men...

Delta Males - These fellows will take charge, but only when everyone is lost in a swamp.
Eta Males - Ferocious men when people queue up for a buffet line.
Iota Males - Could be Alpha males, but they don’t care...
Lambda Males - Will always be the first to use the inflatable sheep. (Never be second.)
Mu Males - Just like Lambda Males, except with cows. See warning above.
Nu Males - Recently born men. Much too early to tell...
Pi Males - Men who show dominance by striking others with dessert items.
Rho Males - Very dominant men, but only when out to sea.

Perhaps the other letters in the Greek alphabet could be used to identify or classify those men who are not dominant, since the new breed of academicians prefers to simply call them “non-alphas.” They really should be called Psi Males, since they just do what they are told with a heavy ... ah, nevermind.