There was this report from the 2000 World Women’s Lib Conference.

The first speaker, a lady from England, stood up and told the assembly: "During last year’s conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. After the conference I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he’d have to do it for himself. After the first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing. But on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb!"

The crowd cheered!

The second lady, a Russian, stood and said, "I, too, went home and talked to my husband. I told Ivan I’d no longer be doing his laundry and that he’d have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw nothing. After the 2nd day, I saw nothing. But on the third day, not only had he done all of his laundry, but mine as well -- AND he even ironed!!!"

The crowd went nuts!

The third lady, a redneck from Arkansas stood up and said, "I went right home and told my shiftless hubby, Cletus, that, by Gawd and Sunny Jesus I wuzn’t doing no mo’ of his cookin’, cleanin’, or shoppin’, and he wuz gonna have to do it all fer hisself."

The crowd got to its feet, applauding and screamin, "You go, girl, you go!"

"Then I tole him, ’Cletus’, I ain’t gonna be cleanin’ them damned crawfish, giggin’ no damned bullfrogs, or checkin’ them damned catfish lines, neither!"

The crowd was dancing in the aisles, singing, "We Shall Overcome!"

When it got calm, she said, "Afta the furst day, I didn’t see nuthin. After the second day, I didn’t see nuthin’. But you know, on the thurd day, I could see a little bit out of my left eye . . . "

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don’t want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears.

Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong. "Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you’re telling me now that grownups don’t really fuck, I’ve got nothing left to believe in!"

My mother taught me...

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
"If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC
"Because I said so, that’s why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep laughing and I’ll ’give’ you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM
"Will you ’look’ at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA
"You’ll sit there ’til all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times - Don’t exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do!"

Igor, a successful Russian agrarian, is walking along the shore of the Black Sea. He finds an odd shaped lamp, so he picks it up and rubs it in jest. Out pops a Genie and promises to grant Igor only one wish.

"Gee, I have everything I need. I have a beautiful loving spouse, more money than I could ever spend, and I am free to travel anywhere in the world tending to my business interests. I really can’t think of anything that I really need," says Igor.

"Think hard," says the Genie, "there must be something you wish that you had."

So Igor thinks long and hard for 20 minutes. Finally he says, "You know, I really do love drinking good Vodka, but sometimes I just can’t find it when I want some. Therefore, I wish that I could piss Vodka."

"Very well," says the Genie, "Pissing Vodka you shall have."

The genie hands him a glass and instructs him to piss in it. He does. Then she asks him to smell it. He does. Then she asks him to taste it. He does.

"This is the best Vodka I’ve ever tasted!" Igor exclaims. "Thank you." And the Genie disappears, and Igor returns home. That night Igor gets 2 glasses and pisses into each one. He takes them into the den and gives one to his wife to drink and one for himself.

"This is delicious," his wife Raisa tells him.

So every night for the next 5 night he comes home from work, pisses in 2 glasses and enjoys the drink with his wife. On the seventh night he comes home from work but only pisses Vodka into one glass. When he enters the den, Raisa asks him,"Where is my drink dear Igor."

"Ah," Igor replies, "Tonight I will teach you how to drink right from the bottle."

A turkey was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree", sighed the turkey, "but I haven’t got the energy". "Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They’re packed with nutrients".

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the turkey right out of the tree.

Moral of the Story:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don’t have?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

You know how most packages say "Open here..." What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else?"

Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?

Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?

Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?

Why is it that the guy who comes up behind you while you’re waiting for an elevator presses the already lit "up" button -- as though he somehow has magical powers that you didn’t when you pressed it the first time?

From a passenger ship, everyone can see a thin bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.

"Who is it on that island?" a passenger asks the captain.

"I have no idea..... but every year when we pass, he goes nuts."

What I’ve Learned As An Adult

I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better have a big dick or huge tits.

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think.

I’ve learned that you can keep puking long after you think you’re finished.

I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I’ve learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I’ve learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down, will be the ones who do.

I’ve learned that we don’t have to ditch bad friends, because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

I’ve learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

I’ve learned to say "Fuck ’em if they can’t take a joke" in 6 languages.