One day a horse and a chicken were playing in the meadow. In the middle of the meadow was a mud hole. While wildly running around, the horse fell into the mud hole and became stuck. He spied the chicken nearby and called, 'Hey Chicken, go to the farmers house for help!"

The chicken took off for the farmers house, but the farmer was not home. The chicken saw the farmers Mercedes in the driveway and decided to drive it out to the meadow to save the horse. The chicken grabbed a coil of rope, hopped into the Mercedes and drove out to the meadow.

Once there, he tied one end of the rope to the Mercedes, and tossed the other end to the horse. The chicken hopped back into the Mercedes and pulled the horse from the mud.

The horse was very grateful. He said, "Thanks Chicken, if you ever need anything, you can count on me."

The chicken replied, "No problem." and they went their separate ways.

A few weeks later, the horse and chicken were once again playing in the meadow. This time the chicken fell into the mud hole and became stuck.

"Hey horse!" yelled the chicken, "I'm stuck, go to the farmers House For help!"

The horse came over to the mud hole to look things over. "I think I can get you out without any help." said the horse. He carefully straddled the mud hole and said to the chicken, "You know what to grab For."

The chicken looked up and saw what was hanging below the horse and thought, what the heck. He grabbed hold and pulled himself free of the mud.

The moral to the story is: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

WHAT ARE MY CHOICES
by Robert Byron

It was a dark and stormy night, but I'm not here to talk about that. I'm going to talk about something even more frightening. I will, once again, speak of telemarketers. Yes, the topic is not for the squeamish so beware. If you have a heart condition, stop reading now.

It was dinnertime, as it always is, when the "invader" called. The conversation went like this:

Me: Hello?

Him: Hello, this is Jeff with United Independent Universal Environmental Awareness Group.

Me: I'm sorry, who did you say? (Is this AT&T? phahaha!)

Him: This is Jeff with United Independent Universal Environmental Awareness Group and we would like to ask you a few questions about your local power company.

Me: Well, I'm getting ready to eat dinner right now.

Him: This will only take a few minutes of your time.

Me: OK, I'll talk to you until my dinner is ready.

Him: OK, fair enough, do you know the name of your local power company?

Me: I think so.

Him: What is the name.

Me: You aren't a spy for them are you?

Him: No sir.

Me: How do I know that?

Him: Well, I'm just not.

Me: Who do you work for?

Him: United Independent Universal Environmental Awareness Group.

Me: Can I have your word on that?

Him: Absolutely sir.

Me: OK, I get this bill every month from Carolina Power and Light. I suspect that they would be my power company.

Him: And do you know the location of their closest nuclear power plant.

Me: Closest to you or closest to me?

Him: To you.

Me: Yes.

Him: How far away is it from you?

Me: At least a days walk.

Him: About how many miles is that?

Me: It was forty the last time I walked it.

Him: If I were to ask you how you feel about the nuclear facility being so close to you, would you answer:

A. I don't like it at all,
B. I somewhat don't like it.
C. It doesn't matter to me
D. I somewhat like it
. E. I like it.

Me: I don't know. Why don't you ask me?

Him: I just did.

Me: No you said "If I were to ask you."

Him: Well, let's just say I asked you, what would your answer be?

Me: I asked you, what would your answer be.

Him: What?

Me: You said, "Say, I asked you what would your answer be."

Him: Actually, no, I wanted you to answer the question.

Me: What was the question?

Him: How do you feel about the nuclear facility being so close to you, would your answer be:

A. I don't like it at all
B. I somewhat don't like it
C. It doesn't matter to me
D. I somewhat like it
E. I like it.

Me: It doesn't matter to you.

Him: No, how do you feel about it.

Me: About what?

Him: The nuclear power plant being so close to you.

Me: I don't know.

Him: Would that be the same as "It doesn't matter to me?"

Me: I don't know, how do you feel about it?

Him: No sir, I meant would your saying that you don't know mean the same as you saying that it doesn't matter to you?

Me: No, my saying "I don't know" would mean the same as me saying, "I don't know."

Him: OK, do you know what they do with their waste?

Me: I think they flush it down the toilet.

Him: What do they do with the nuclear waste?

Me: I don't know.

Him: If you found out that they had plans to bury it in your backyard, would you:

A. Be angry
B. Be concerned
C. Not be concerned
D. Be "OK" with it.

Me: If they buried it in my backyard they'd have to be pretty sneaky because someone is here most of the time and one of us would see them. Well what do you know! Supper is ready! I have to go! Bye!

I had my fun and hung up. How simple can you get? Thinking that this was the end of my dealings with the United Independent Universal Environmental Awareness Group, I ate my dinner and had a relaxing and enjoyable evening. However, my path would cross that of the United Independent Universal Environmental Awareness Group again in the near future.

The next evening the phone rang again. Guess who? The conversation went something like this:

Me: Hello?

Him: This is Rodney at the United Independent Universal Environmental Awareness Group. How are you this evening sir?

Me: I'm fine. Didn't y'all call me yesterday?

Him: Yes sir we did and that's why I'm calling this evening. I'd like to ask you a few questions about the questionnaire you took yesterday. Is that OK?

Me: Well, I'm right in the middle of sorting my paper clips right now and I have an 8 PM deadline to cut my toenails.

Him: This will only take a minute.

Me: I'll start the clock.

Him: OK sir, was our representative courteous in his presentation of the questions.

Me: What are my choices?

Him: Choices?

Me: Well, the guy I talked to yesterday gave me choices to pick from.

Him: Oh, I see. Well just give me you best recollection.

Me: I have a lot of them. It's difficult to pick just one recollection.

Him: I was referring to last night.

Me: Oh! OK! Dinner was great!

Him: Very funny sir. You have quite the sense of humor. Haha! Was the person you talked with last night nice to you?

Me: No choices huh?

Him: Haha! No choices.

Me: I would say he was mostly nice.

Him: Did you have any trouble understanding the way he presented the questions.

Me: No but some of the questions were confusing.

Him: So the way he presented the questions confused you?

Me: No, I understood the way, it was the questions that confused me.

Him: I don't understand.

Me: If I were to ask how do you feel about the way you don't understand, would you answer:

A. I don't have a clue at all
B. I mostly don't have a clue
C. I somewhat don't have a clue D. I don't know what a clue is.

Him: (click)

One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas."

Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time."

Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving. The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, "And I'll be DAMNED if I get stuck with a $80,000 mortgage!"

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Sindelfingen, and rounds them off.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

The residents of Silicon Valley are more confused than usual after a billboard campaign by the National Multiple Sclerosis Society of America used this line in an ad slogan:

exploiting the fame of a certain company to draw attention to an altogether worthier cause. Requests to comment on the campaign have been met by a surly silence by Microsoft, which doesn't relish the association of ideas, but is painfully aware that it can't afford to appear insensitive over such an issue.

Seasoned information technology professionals will have no trouble telling the two MS's apart: One is a debilitating and surprisingly widespread affliction that renders the sufferer barely able to perform the simplest task. The other is a disease.

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says, "Honey, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up. After lunch he goes out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man, my hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does and again that warms him up.

After dinner he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She looks at him and says: "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

If GH can stand for P as in Hiccough
If OUGH stands for O as in Dough
If PHTH stands for T as in Phthisis
If EIGH stands for A as in Neighbour
If TTE stands for T as in Gazette
If EAU stands for O as in Plateau
Then the right way to spell POTATO should be: GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU

A city slicker went to the country to buy a pig. When he approached the pig farmer, he asked for a 25 pound pig. The pig farmer put the pig's tail in his mouth and bobbed his head up and down. He then told the city slicker that the pig was too heavy - it was 30 pounds.

The city slicker told the farmer he didn't believe that was the way to weigh pigs.

The farmer called his son over and asked him to weigh the pig. The son put the pig's tail in his mouth, bobbed his head a couple of times and said the pig weighed 30 pounds.

The city slicker said the farmer and his son were putting him on. The farmer told his son to go get his mother and have her come out and weigh the pig.

The son went into the house and after a few minutes came out telling the father that the mother was busy weighing the mailman.

Stumpy Grider and his Wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said "Ya know Mahtha, Ah'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane". An every year Martha would say, "Ah know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs". So Stumpy says "By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, if I don't go this time I may nevah go". Martha replies, "Stumpy, that theah aihplane ride is ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs".

So the pilot overhears them and says, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars".

They agree and up they go...the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard; he does it one more time, still nothing...so he lands.

He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to make you hollar out, but you didn't!"

And Stumpy replies, "Well, Ah was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out...but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!"

The Laws of Ducks

Duck Law No. 1
If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, looks like a duck and cooks like a duck, it's a duck.

Restatement: All things are known by their attirbutes.

Duck Law No. 2
Even under ideal circumstances, no duck, no matter how noble or well-intentioned, can be an eagle.

Restatement: All things must be what they are.

Duck Law No. 3
A duck can pretend to be an eagle except in times of adversity.

Restatement: Pretense and adversity are inversely proportional; adversity reveals the true nature of all things.

Duck Law No 4
No duck may be an eagle until it abandons its webbed feet and bill for talons and a beak.

Restatement: All things remain as they are until the attributes that define them are abandoned. Then, and only then, can they evolve.

Duck Law No. 5
Ducks are noble creatures. They shall not be penalized in the eyes of other creatures because they are not eagles.

Restatement: All things are honorable if they are what they are honestly, even if they are different from you.

Duck Law No. 6
The greatest duck that ever was cannot cannot fly as high as even a modest eagle.

Restatement: If one would soar with eagles, do not swim with ducks.

Duck Law No. 7
Ducks flock. Eagles fly alone. Ducks and eagles never mingle.

Restatement: Choose company wisely.
Duck Law No. 8
A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.

Restatement: Sometimes there is no answer.