An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles into a Podiatrist’s office instead and weaves over to the receptionist.

Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed and says, "Stick it through that curtain."

Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out his penis and sticks it through the crack in the curtains.

"That’s not a foot!" screams the nurse on duty.

"Holy shit, lady!" the drunk exclaims, "I never knew you had a minimum!"

A baby was born so advanced in development he could talk.

He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my doctor?" he asked.

"Why, yes, I am," said the doctor.

The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during the birth."

He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"

"Yes, dear, I am," said the mother beaming.

"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said.

He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"

"Yes, I am," his father proudly answered.

The baby motioned him closer, then poked him repeatedly on the forehead with his index finger. "Hurts, doesn’t it!"

An Italian man, relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome, managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. He invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk they made love. After a pleasant interlude, and, at what seemed to him to be the appropriate time, he stretched, asked with a smile, "So... you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied "No."

Pleasantly surprised, the young man reached for her and had his way with her again. This time she’s wild, thrashing about on the bed and climaxing with screams of passion.

Again, the young man smiles, and asks, "You finish?"

And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and says "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for his date. It takes all of his strength and he barely manages to do it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping bed sheets. It’s dawn by then, and, entirely spent, the exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks, "You finish!?"

"No!" she shouts back. "Swedish!"

There once was a man with a permanent erection. Try as he could, he couldn’t get it to go down. Finally, he went to his local pharmacy, where he encountered a female pharmacist.

"I’d like to speak to the male pharmacist," he said.

She said, "I’m a professional. I run this pharmacy with my sister, who is also a professional. Anything you can tell a man, you can tell us."

"O.K.," he said. "I have a permanent erection. What can you give me for it?"

"Hmmm," she replied, "I’ll go into the back and confer with my sister." After a minute, she returned to the counter and said, "We’ll give you $25,000 and half the business."

Igor, a successful Russian agrarian, is walking along the shore of the Black Sea. He finds an odd shaped lamp, so he picks it up and rubs it in jest. Out pops a Genie and promises to grant Igor only one wish.

"Gee, I have everything I need. I have a beautiful loving spouse, more money than I could ever spend, and I am free to travel anywhere in the world tending to my business interests. I really can’t think of anything that I really need," says Igor.

"Think hard," says the Genie, "there must be something you wish that you had."

So Igor thinks long and hard for 20 minutes. Finally he says, "You know, I really do love drinking good Vodka, but sometimes I just can’t find it when I want some. Therefore, I wish that I could piss Vodka."

"Very well," says the Genie, "Pissing Vodka you shall have."

The genie hands him a glass and instructs him to piss in it. He does. Then she asks him to smell it. He does. Then she asks him to taste it. He does.

"This is the best Vodka I’ve ever tasted!" Igor exclaims. "Thank you." And the Genie disappears, and Igor returns home. That night Igor gets 2 glasses and pisses into each one. He takes them into the den and gives one to his wife to drink and one for himself.

"This is delicious," his wife Raisa tells him.

So every night for the next 5 night he comes home from work, pisses in 2 glasses and enjoys the drink with his wife. On the seventh night he comes home from work but only pisses Vodka into one glass. When he enters the den, Raisa asks him, "Where is my drink dear Igor."

"Ah," Igor replies, "Tonight I will teach you how to drink right from the bottle."

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.

Timmy stood up and said, "My mom is a Doctor!"

Sarah stood up and said, "My father is a Professor!"

Little Johnny stood up and said, "My dad is a piano player in a whorehouse!"

The teacher couldn’t believe what she had just heard, so she made a point of calling Little Johnny’s father that evening.

When she told him what Little Johnny had said, he told her, "Actually,.... I’m an attorney, but how I’m I supposed to explain that to a seven year old???"

Maudie is flying on a jumbo-jet to Europe. Once in the air the loudspeaker comes on:

"This is your captain Emilia Rodrigues. We are cruising at 35,000 feet...etc. etc." When the announcement is finished Maudie beckons to a stewardess and asks, "Is it really true that this great big airplane is being flown by a woman?"

"Yes, says the stewardess, Captain Rodrigues is a woman."

"How wonderful!" Maudie replied "I am so excited! Do you think you can arrange for me to go up to the cockpit to congratulate her?"

"Yes, I think I can arrange that. You might also like to know that the co-pilot is also a woman."

"Oh, how exciting. This is wonderful news! Please let me go to the cockpit so I can congratulate them both!"

"OK, you can do that. You might like to know that actually the entire crew of this plane are women."

"That is the most exciting thing I have heard in a long time ...this has really made my day ... I just have to go to the cockpit to express my admiration!"

"One more thing you might like to know ...we don’t call it the cockpit any more."