Chastity Belt

Master Marlenus was in Ar’s greatest inventors home where the the Man was showing Him His latest creation. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place which made it basically useless.

"This is no good, Corprus!" the the great Ubar exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect my favourite slut, when I’m on a long quest?"

"Ah, Ubar, just observe," said the Inventor. He then selected His most worn out wand, one that He was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

"ah, Corprus, you are a genius!" said the grateful Ubar. "Now I can leave, knowing that My property is fully protected."

After putting alliah in the device, Marlenus then set out upon a lengthy Quest.

Several years passed until He returned to Ar. Immediately He assembled all of His Warriors in the throne room and had them drop their trousers for an informal ’short arm’ inspection.

Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Tarl Cabot.

"Tarl," exclaimed Marrlenus. "You are My one and only loyal Man! Only You among all the Warriors have been true to Me. What is it in My power to grant You? Name it and it is Yours."

But, alas, Tarl was speechless.

submitted by cara_ptt humbly collared to The Pass of Tancred.

The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large Yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied only a little while.

The American then asked why didn’t he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs. The American then asked, but what do you do with the rest of your time?

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life, senor."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat, with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "15-20 years."

"But what then, senor?"

The American laughed and said, "That’s the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."

"Millions, senor? Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I’ve been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you’re welcome to stay here, too."

Virtually anyone can be a Democrat. Just simply quit thinking and vote that way. But if you want to be a GOOD Democrat, there are some prerequisites you must have first. Compare the below and see how you rate.

1. You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can’t teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

3. You have to believe that guns, in the hands of law-abiding Americans, are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology, in the hands of Chinese communists.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth’s climate, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.

7. You have to be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand.

8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

9. You have to believe that hunters don’t care about nature, but loony activists from Seattle do.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

11. You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinmen are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison.

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren’t.

16. You have to believe Hillary Clinton is really a lady.

17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn’t worked anywhere it’s been tried, is because the right people haven’t been in charge.

18. You have to believe Republicans telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and sex offender belongs in the White House.

19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites and bestiality should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic party funding by the Chinese is somehow in the best interest of the United States.

WHY IS EMAIL LIKE A PENIS?

Some folks have it, some don’t. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don’t have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong.

Those who don’t have it may agree that it’s an nifty toy, but think it’s not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don’t have it would like to try it.

It can be up or down. It’s more fun when it’s up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.

In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that’s the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

Once you’ve started playing with it, it’s hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn’t have work to do.

It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it’s hard to tell what kind of person you’re dealing with until it’s too late.

If you don’t apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.

It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you’ll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

If you’re not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp you behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?"

It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same things it did before.

For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don’t ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.

After 30 years of astute care,
My doctor found a lump.
She ordered up a mammogram,
To look inside that bump.

"Stand up very close" she said.
As she got my boob in line,
"And tell me when it hurts" she said.
"Ah yes! There, that’s fine.

She stepped upon a pedal.
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate pressed down and down,
My boob was in a vise!

My skin was stretched and stretched,
From way up under my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt.
Within it’s vice-like grip.
A prisoner in this viscous thing,
My poor defenseless tit!

"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she’s kidding?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.

"There, that was good," I heard her say
As the room was slowly swaying.
"Now, let’s have a go at the other one."
Lord have mercy I was praying.

It squeezed me from up and down.
It squeezed me from both sides.
I’ll bet she’s never had this done,
Not to her tender little hide!

If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have popped, "ker-pow!"

This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I’d like to stick his balls in there,
And see how they come out !!!

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime.

Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"

The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where!"

In an interview, Pamela Anderson said that if she were Hillary, she would leave President Clinton.

In response, Clinton said, "If Pamela Anderson were Hillary, none of this would have happened in the first place."

An old guy and his son had a one-mule farm and barely eked out a living.

One day, the son hit the lottery, winning $50,000. He burned rubber into town, collected his money, and left more rubber all the way back home, where he told his father the good news and handed him a $50 bill.

The father looked at the money for a moment and then said, "Son, you know I’ve always been careful with what little money we had. I didn’t spend it on whiskey or women or frivolous things. In fact, I couldn’t even afford a license to legally marry your Ma."

"Pa!" the son exclaims, "do you know what that makes me?"

"Sure do," said the old guy fingering the fifty-dollar bill, "and a damn cheap one too!"

A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer.

The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him.

"Look," said the customer, "I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?"

"Sure," said the bartender, and he did.

"Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you’d be so kind ad to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth."

"Certainly." And it was done.

"If," said the armless man, "You’d reach in my right-hand pants pocket, you’ll find the money for the beer."

The bartender got it.

"You’ve been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. Where is the men’s room?"

"Out the door," said the bartender, "turn left, walk two blocks, and there’s one in a filling station on the corner."

Son: "Dad, did you go to Church when you were little?"

Dad: "Yes son, every single Sunday."

Son: "I thought so. Bet it won’t do me any good either."

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Johnny replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came racing home at 30 to 1!"

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection.

Traffic quickly piled up in all directions while a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It’s all right honey, I’ve had a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man’s pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I’m already here."

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.

"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.

"You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon.

"Now then, I’m returning $5,000, and we’re going to decide this case solely on its merits!"

1. Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, & a diet coke.

5. Only in America...do banks leave both doors open & then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway & put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of 10 & buns in packages of 8.

9. Only in America...do we use the word ’politics’ to describe the process so well: ’Poli’ in Latin meaning ’many’ ’tics’ meaning ’bloodsucking creatures’.

10. Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

11. Only in America...can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box & a draft-dodger live in the White House.