VIRUS WARNING!!! , thanks to Ray Owens for sending this

It has been brought to my attention that there's an insidious new computer virus that has already affected close to 30 million computers. Even though I'm running the latest McAfee and Norton viruses scans, neither have picked up this virus!

As many viruses are, this one is transmitted by email. I'm required by law to contact everyone that has received email from me in the last six months and warn them about this virus.

TO REMOVE THIS VIRUS:
     ** Click your start button.
     ** Click on "Find".
     ** Click on Files / Folders.
     ** Change the "look in" input box to "My Computer".
     ** The named input file should be AOL.EXE

Once the find engine has located the file, highlight it and press the delete button. Deleting this file will fix a damaged 30 megabyte area of your hard drive and restore it to full functionality.

WARNING: KEEPING THIS FILE ON THE SYSTEM AFTER JUNE 8 WILL COST YOU $2.90 MORE PER MONTH!

FAILURE TO REMOVE THIS FILE WILL KEEP YOUR "UPPER MEMORY MANAGEMENT" MODULE OF YOUR INTELLIGENCE QUOTIENT (IQ OVER 85) BLOCKED.

DELETING AOL.EXE WILL FREE YOUR IQ TO GO ABOVE 85!!!

DELETING THIS FILE WILL ALLOW YOU TO SPELL CORRECTLY AND USE THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE PROPERLY.

BADLY INFECTED SYSTEMS (I.E., SYSTEMS THAT HAVE DESTROYED YOUR ABILITY TO FOLLOW THE SIMPLE INSTRUCTIONS ABOVE) CAN HAVE THE VIRUS REMOVED BY TELEPHONE. CALL 1-888-265-8008 AND TELL THE OPERATOR TO CANCEL THE VIRUS. THE OPERATOR WILL DEACTIVATE THE VIRUS FROM THEIR END.

Let's see if I understand how America works lately . . .

If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.

If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock 'n' roll music or musician he liked.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.

If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore. So if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?

One day, a farmer was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil, and then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose.

Looking at all his purchases, the farmer said "How am I going to carry all of this home?" The livestock dealer said, "Simple. You can put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand." "Hey, thanks!" said the farmer, and off he went.

While walking along, the farmer met a fair lady. She admitted she was lost, and asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a shortcut and go down this alley. We'll save a lot of time getting there."

The fair lady said, "But how do I know that when we get in to the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and ravish me?" The farmer said, "I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, 2 chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and ravish you?" The fair lady said, "Simple. Set the goose down, put the bucket over the goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I can hold the chickens."

One day Little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Little Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle??? Wait until Christmas!"

Christmas came around, and Little Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry kiddo. Ask me again some other time."

Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.

Little Johnny said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were 'pulling out,' and mommy said that 'you should wait because she was coming, too....'

"And I'll be DAMNED if I'm gonna stuck with your $80,000 mortgage!"

Dennis Rodman finds a bottle on the beach & picks it up. Suddenly, a female genie appears from the bottle.

"Master, may I grant you one wish?" says the genie with a smile.

"Hey Bitch...don't you know who I am? I don't need no woman givin' me nuttin!" barks Rodman.

The genie pleads..."But Master I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to this bottle forever."

Dennis thinks a moment...then grumbling about the inconvenience of it all he says, "Ok, ok...I wanna wake up with three women in my bed in the morning, so just do it!" Giving the genie an evil glare, he screams, "Now leave me alone!"

So the annoyed genie says, "So be it!", and disappears back into the bottle.

The next morning, he wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, & Hillary Clinton in bed with him. His penis is gone, his leg is broken, and he has no health insurance.

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their hand. The teacher says, "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"

Sally holds up her hand and asks "is it a giraffe?"

"Very good Sally," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up thier hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?"

Billy holds up his hand and says, "It's a zebra."

"Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?" Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."

Little Johnny shouts out, "IS IT A HORNY BASTARD?"

There are three religious truths:

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards. NAIVE.

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

OK...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?