KAIILA (March 21 - April 21)

Time for a Valium the size of a hubcap after the 6^th. The aftermath of April and May’s rock-n-roll-o-drama-rama-thon will have you wanting to snuggle under the covers for the remainder of the month with an icepack on your head. Resist the urge to launch weird projects involving your latest inventions, though; they’ll miserably backfire, burning down the entire block. You’ll be snippy with your loved ones round the 1^st and 2^nd, and again get uncharacteristically moody and unstable round the 28^th and 29^th, so stay in bed and let them bring you toast and coffee, your hookah and fez, and a tassled pillow for your footsies.

  BOSK (April 21 - May 21)

Smoooooove. Your mojo is definitely rising this month. Venus, that rollacoasta’ of love, baby, is rollin’ right through your living room, past the lava lamp, the fur rug, the assorted massage oils, the wet bar, into the Jacuzzi, and dragging herself, leering suggestively, into your bed among your silk sheets. Ooh la la. Take advantage of the time, if not some lucky souls, particularly on the 17^th and 18^th. If you’re single, time to ask some favourite persons for a loan or a special little trinket. Good month for art. Accordions are not art.

  SE-SA (May 22 - June 21)

Bright student of the world, eternally curious and questioning, please keep yer trap shut this month. Although you feel, and probably are, lucky, light and glib as usual, people will be strangely argumentative with you this month and not like your ideas about utopian societies, the Green policy, the truth about tofu, and where Disney is buried. You’ll be branded as too far-out and oddball, which is something you usually like but can’t handle this month. Best to lay low. Scream into a pillow if you have to.

  TOOS (June 22 - July 22)

The bulldog grip the world has had on the nape of your neck will lift early this month, at last. Take some time, sink into the glorious ooze of your library or a dark theatre, and contemplate your navel. Contemplate a big gin fizz too, but not too many, or maybe a hot bubble bath, and definitely not a bath of gin. You deserve a rest, not a coma.

  LARL (July 23 - August 23)

Proud Larl, poor kitty, smushed by the steamroller of change for change’s sake, invention and weird ideas this month and your inability to stand by and be quiet about it. You’re in a feisty mood right about now, and the gains you’ve made in the past few months (not financially, though- socially) may be threatened by your sudden intolerance to all things strange outside your ken. You can tolerate the weirdos for awhile, can’t you? Stretch your mind a little around the odd and mysterious, and resign yourself to actually admitting you don’t know something (you are permitted to whisper this). A little humility is becoming to a King.

 BARBARIAN (August 24 - September 23)

Sweet kind soul, karmic forces still conspire to teach you a thing or two about the futility of planning ahead. Your intellectual life is particularly sore and kicked around this month; be sure to prepare your co-workers and conferees with plenty of background information introducing your ideas before you smack ‘em with new ones, even if it feels like you’re covering old ground. You’re used to people not being as bright as you, but you’ll need extra patience this month when dealing with Ye Olde Authority Figures, who all suddenly resemble Miss Havisham, Nurse Ratched, Dr. Strangelove, or Gilligan, depending on your place in the totem pole. Refuse to be a victim, but don’t be shrill.

  TEFA (September 24 - October 23)

Finally, you’ve calmed down from last month. After the 6^th, cajole and wheedle your sweetie into something cultural, involving getting crammed into evening gowns or suits as fits your particular gender, and get thee to the opera, a gallery, the botanic gardens, or the symphony. Heaven. Let your sweetie fall asleep, cover him/her with the program and concentrate on the glorious art. The snoring won’t bother you as it usually does.

  NAR (October 24 - November 22)

Did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed? All month? Sheesh. This is not the best month for you to chase the girls/men round the gooseberry bush. Fortunately, work things and professional responsibilities and frumpy stuff will go well this month; just don’t ask anyone to dinner and play footsie under the table. Bad idea. If you stay strictly business this month, you’ll come out ahead. Resist the urge to tumble into bed unless it is to count sheep, not thongs.

  RARIUS (November 23 - December 22)

Rambling man, (or gal) you’ll feel like hitting the wide-open range this month, be it a shooting range with those cute little clueless mechanical ducks or the regular range with the antelopes and all that. Just don’t play around with your money this month – you’ll feel generous with people who don’t notice your usual largesse, or want to bet your paycheck on a badly played game of roulette. Just. Don’t. Let them pick up the tab for you this month. It won’t kill them.

  VERR (December 23 - January 20)

Gruff sweet thing, you’ll be unusually vocal this month about all kinds of things romantic. Your dearest will laugh hysterically in private over the tender poetry you send, so don’t read it in public. The rest of your love life is in full, sensual swing (see Bosk and add some of your usual circumspection), but try not to express yourself intellectually – use pantomime, picture cards, interpretive dance or something. You’re just likely to get into arguments at the pub over something that you’ve completely misunderstood or totally ignored – and you’ll just come off sounding arrogant and uninformed. The struggle this month is one mainly invented in your mind, and you’re more than a little paranoid with how people perceive you and the stability of major relationships. Don’t worry about your social image; and don’t test people’s patience.

  THASSA (January 21 - February 19)

If you haven’t yet invented those X-ray goggles yet for peering through suits and skirts during long, dull business meetings, you soon will. Just don’t apply for a patent yet, the world is not yet ready for your…um, genius. Seriously, you’re bursting at the seams as usual with oddball schemes to get rich quick, conspiracy theories involving Don Knotts, Kissinger and Jell-O, but all of your theories will not find an admiring throng until.. well, some time from now. Comfort yourself with the usual knowledge that you are, as always, well ahead of your time, and keep your laboratory secret for now.

  PARSIT (February 20 - March 20)

Strange relationship struggles this month teach you the meaning of responsibility, dammit. You thought you knew, but simply being your monkish self, forgiving and accepting, somehow isn’t enough this month, and it leaves you bewildered. What do they want? Best not to approach that for now – people will mess with you just for the fun of it, so don’t give them the satisfaction of seeing you upset. Take a little extra time just to yourself – hide under the covers, under the rug, behind the drapes if you must – walk around the block or do your yoga. July will be a bit better for you, but this is only June. Hang in there.