This one is not really sure of much of anything except that she has been the property of Daniel for several years now. She is thankful for the somewhat daunting opportunity to carry on for belle over the next couple of months while she takes a well-deserved rest. If everyone will muddle along with this one as she muses about this particular sort of life, she will try not to take too many rabbit-paths in the telling. Hopefully, she will either be of help, amusement, or at least something to look at while the boss is away. ~mickie~D

This one was curled up with the furry housemates the other day idly flipping through the multifarious channels available on the New York City basic cable package. Being lately from the boonies of North Carolina, having about 100 "basic" channels is still a rather fascinating pastime. Talk about country come to town.

Anyway...

She cannot tell you what channel she was watching. It was a documentary where a camera crew was following an 18-year old along a day-in-the-life of a NYC fashion model. She does not remember the girl's name but, although not a "super model", she has seen the child's face in many prominent women's magazines.

During a particular segment of the show, the model was looking at some of her own layouts in various already-issued magazines and laughing over what the photo editor fixed. She has crooked teeth; in one wide-mouthed smile, the photo editor had the teeth either airbrushed or electronically straightened. In another picture, a bad scar on her ankle had been removed. Facial pimples (the model has typical teen acne as well as many small moles about her face) were either covered with super heavy makeup or airbrushed out. However, the girl's monologue throughout this segment caught this one's attention. Her comments included statements along the line that she hated that women look at this "crap" and felt inadequate next to it. That it was all so fake. That none of it was real. That there was no such thing as a "perfect girl".

This girl did not look anything like her pictures beyond the same bone structure. In two dimensions, she looks perfect: beautiful, slender, and delicately feminine. In person, she is mildly pretty, but looks like a scrawny boy with very thin, long hair. She makes a damn good fashion model, though, and this one expects she will become famous. As a real flesh and blood woman, is she someone this one would wish she could be or look like? Not hardly. Would this one be worried that master would find her more attractive? Not hardly. Does this one not want to look like her because men already swoon when this one walks down the street? Again: Not hardly.

Lately, mickie has been doing some major digging in the Gor books as well as into female submission/slavery, legal and cultural, in history and literature. She has been seeking similarities for the life she lives, and searching for ways to improve herself in her slavery-tricks of the trade, as it were. This one supposes it is her version of going for training in the slave pens of Ar and learning exactly which threads to rip in a slave rag for optimum effect. Master, thank heavens, finds this one beautiful. She is interested, slave-like, in remaining beautiful to him. In consequence, mickie finds herself turning to fashion magazines because master, for all his wonderful qualities, really is not up on what anti-wrinkle cream works--he just knows what he likes when he sees it. In spite of normally feeling very comfortable with her looks, this one has found that she feels very much less-than-perfect after viewing girls, including the documentary model, in beauty articles and advertisements.

This is a trait that seems to be shared among most of the slaves this one knows--especially online. It is almost an alternate form of role-play.

A slave's primary objectives are absolute obedience and exquisite beauty. But what is exquisite beauty? Most slaves this one speaks with are not sure what it is exactly, but are positive it is not they. How many slaves, she wonders, go on a crash diet when a real time meeting is arranged with a potential master in order to more closely resemble their online description of themselves? How many slaves actually have hair flowing even to their shoulder blades? How many slaves are really short and dainty with small hands and feet? How many have full firm breasts that age and gravity have not effected? How many will admit to hair dye, colored contacts, cellulite, and those fine lines about the eyes, or crooked teeth? This one cannot tell you how many slave pictures she has been sent, with the side note of: "well that's me, only I don't tell the men it was 10 years ago." She is not saying slaves should go about pointing out these things. She is more concerned with the feelings behind why such things are NOT pointed out. Why the existence of these things are scrupulously ignored or brushed over.

Perhaps the bigger question is why are we slaves are not comfortable with ourselves, as a whole, given some of the fundamental requirements of slavery. This one thinks it is because of that exquisite beauty thing. Most slaves have it in their heads that they are supposed to look like a cross between a playboy centerfold and a fashion model. They want to please men and think that is what does it. Therefore, in the anonymous world of online, they subconsciously "become" that hybrid to some degree. This one is quick to note, however, that this cross is not necessarily DIS-pleasing; so, if you are engineered along these lines kudos to you. But, even the one's who are out and out beautiful don't feel comfortable--they will FIND something wrong with themselves and point to it saying "yes but see this? That makes me not perfect."

The only thing this one has in common with a fashion model is her height: 5'11". The only thing she has in common with a playboy centerfold is her bra size: 38DD. Only, mickie HAS to wear a bra-she is thirty-one. Gravity, you know. She could stand to loose a few pounds but it does not worry her excessively. This one has beautiful red hair. Or rather, she used to have beautiful red hair only the women in her family gray young--so now she has artificially beautiful red hair since Loreal is the only age-serum to which this one has access. This one has a set of bright blue eyes that are beautiful only she can't see them unless she has on bottle-bottom glasses (which means she still can't see them) or contacts which means she does not see anything else well. This one has well-shaped legs but her thighs are on the full side so her feet fall asleep if in nadu more than a few minutes. Her skin is clear but she does glow in the dark. She is often taken for a Dominant simply based on the way she holds herself in general--sweet, helpless and feminine is decidedly not her forte. She tends to bump into things a lot. Bosk in a china shop comes to mind.

Nevertheless, mickie does just fine. She is just like every woman on this planet. She has moments when she is incredibly plain. She has moments when she is average or okay. She has moments when she is the most beautiful female creature alive. There are men who DO swoon when this one walks down the street. There are men that do not give her a first glance--much less a second. This one has met men who thought she was too thin. She has met men who thought she was too fat. She has met plenty that think she is just right. The master is one of them and she is grateful.

To my tall master, it is a novelty having a female as tall as this one is, with whom he does not get a cramped neck bending down to kiss. To him, this one's hourglass shape is just right--a soft and sexy woman. He does not care if her hair is natural or colored when he has got his fingers tangled in it. When this one looks at him, he knows he is all she sees with her beautiful blue eyes--whether he is actually in sharp focus, or not, is irrelevant. Besides, taking off the specs is a use anywhere/anytime dependency teaching tool not to mention saving money on blindfolds. He finds her thighs an infinite turn-on since, to him, they are the epitome of "creamy white thighs." Glowing in the dark, to him, just means this one is easier to FIND in the dark--a handy thing in a slave. This one may look like a NFL player in drag if you dress her in a soft, lacy dress but put her in a sleekly tailored, low-cut number and you have another story entirely. Master finds it funny that someone who is so often taken as a dominant is actually so submissive that her perpetual-motion tongue freezes quite solidly to the roof of her mouth whenever she meets another Gorean male in person. And, believe it or not, this one’s haphazardly bumping into things is an endless source of slapstick comedy to alleviate a stressful day. To him, this one is beautiful.

So, what is a slave to do? Be honest with and about yourself. Be sure you see yourself as others see you and/or use your master's view of you rather than your own. Make sure your hair is cut and groomed to suit you regardless of whether or not that means you will not have locks falling to your waist. Find a style of make-up that flatters you that will not take you 2 hours or 24 layers to apply. Wear clothes that make you feel comfortable in your skin and flatter the good points about your figure. You do have them, you know. Wear something sexy in front of the computer instead of that ratty old bathrobe. After seeing the kids off to bed, touch a bit of fresh perfume behind your ears before snuggling up to the master to see if he wants anything. Turn off the lights and light a candle (candlelight is flattering to EVERYONE). Worry more about being healthy than fitting into a size 2 jeans. Be clean at all times. Make sure everything is shaved that is supposed to be shaved. There is nothing like leg stubble to make a woman feel frumpy-even if no one can see it, it affects your attitude about you.

Live your life like there is a master judging you whether there is one actively doing so or not. It will be good practice for when there IS a master overseeing your appearance. Remember the guy in the checkout line could be your next owner. Present the best of you and let the men, not society-at-large (whom we think is warped anyway or we would not be Gorean), chose who is beautiful to them individually. Moreover, do not beat yourself up if a man does not find you so for no other reason than he just does not. One will come along that does. Not every man wanted to purchase every slave in the auctions of Ar.

Sure, this one has times when she wrinkles her nose at the mirrored reflection but if its something she can fix, she fixes it. If its something she cannot, she is diligent with herself about not thinking in derogatory terms because, to her, that is questioning master's taste in female flesh. It is a reflection on a male's judgement when a slave does not accept her beauty. It is a form of disobedience. Imagine a slave saying to a master's face that stupid little monologue that occasionally runs through our thoughts: "yeah right, you say I'm beautiful but you are either wrong or blind. I have a mole on my neck, and my breasts aren't each the same size so I can't possibly be beautiful."

One thing about all those women's magazines: On any survey they conduct about what men find attractive in women, being confident about their attractiveness is high on the list. If one wants to pull the books into it, there are too many quotes about how proud slavegirls are of their beauty to list here; and, in the books, there is a description of every kind of female body that exists now. Be clean, be healthy, and be well groomed. Be slave and be confident in your own brand of beauty. All women are beautiful. Reveling in that is one of the best fringe benefits of being Gorean.