In the days before birth control pills, a young bride-to-be asked her gynecologist to recommend some sort of contraceptive. He suggested she try withdrawal, douches or condoms.

Several years later, the woman was walking down the street with three children when she happened to run across her old doctor. "I see you decided not to take my advice," he said, eyeing the young children.

"On the contrary, doc," she exclaimed, "Davey here was a pullout, Darcy was a washout, and Delores was a blowout!"

A minister gave a talk to the Lion's Club on sex.

When he got home he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members. A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.

She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off."

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.

Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me, when I was a little boy myself, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.

One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could.

After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute!

Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.

A Fundamentalist Minister in Alabama, sorely tempted, finally propositioned the Choir director one night after practice, when they were alone in the Church.

"Where Reverend?" she enthusiastically replied.

"Right here on the floor." he panted.

"It'd be too cold." she whispered. "How about standing up?"

"Good Lord girl. Have you taken leave of you senses?" he shouted. "If anyone came in, they'd think we were dancing."

A few years ago a group of tree-huggers was presenting an alternative to the ranchers for controlling the coyote population.

It seemed that, after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution. What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, then castrate the males, then let them loose again, and then the population would be controlled.

I, kid you not, this was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's association.

Well, all the ranchers thought about this amazing idea. Finally, a old boy in the back stood up, kicked his hat back and said: "Son, I don' think you understand the problem. These coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep, they're eating them!!"

Man goes to see the Rabbi.

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man anxiously says, "Yes."

"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.

On a recent evening a family sat in a darkened theater waiting to see the latest hit movie. As the screen lit up with a flashy ad for the theater’s concession stand, they noticed the sound was missing. The unexpected silence continued for several moments. Then out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd demanded, "Okay, who's got the remote?"

Thought for the day....

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.

Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

His/Her Driving Directions

HER DIRECTIONS:

80....(SF)....just after the weight station near cordelia(i think) will be an exit for 14...Sonoma and Napa....take it.....follow it all the way thru.....till you end up in fairfield...there is a signal next to...a Beer joint i think it is....i don't know...but you merge to the right which turns into a lil 2 lane freeway dealy....go thru the signal...go over the bridge thing....then when you get to the next signal....make a left to go to death vally....you'll be on Carneros Hwy....then you will come to a sort of dead end with a blinking red light....turn right....the road will give you a choice to go straight or veer right.....VEER RIGHT. stay on this road till yousee a buncha power stuff...ya know, those big metal thingamajigs....there will be a stop sign...you can either go straight or turn right on Lincoln ...well...turn right....follow that to the end....its kinda a long way....you will hit old bluewood hwy....turn right on old bluewood.....follow it down...past the 8ball (a bar that will show up on the right)...

HIS DIRECTIONS:

80 West
Exit 14
Exit 121 (Left at Light)
Exit 116 (Veer right)
RT Lincoln Road
RT Old bluewood
RT Myrtle
RT Lancster
RT Lassen St

There was a competition to swim from Santa Monica to Catalina doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned "What if the place is still bugged?"

The groom says "I'll look for a bug." He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug "AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window.

The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How was your room?", "How was the service?", "How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"

The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"

The hotel manager says "Well, the room UNDER you complained of the chandelier falling on them."

One of the teachers had a kindergartner come up to her and say that he found a frog.

The teacher asked if he was alive or dead.

The student said it was dead.

The teacher asked how he knew.

The boy said, "I pissed in it's ear."

The teacher say, "YOU WHAT?"

He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'Psst!' and it didn't move.

So it must be dead."

How Yodeling was Invented

Back in the olden days, a man was traveling through Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching, and the man had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that it would be all right, and that he could sleep in the barn. The man went into the barn to bed down and the farmer went back into the house.

The farmer's daughter came down from upstairs and asked the farmer, "Who was that man going into the barn?"

"That's some fellow traveling through," answered the farmer. "He needed a place to stay for the night, so I said that he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter then asked the farmer, "Did you offer the man anything to eat?"

"Gee, no, I didn't," the farmer answered.

The daughter said, "Well, I'm going to take him some food."

She went into the kitchen, prepared a plate of food and then took it out to the barn. The daughter was in the barn for an hour before returning to the house.

When she came back in, her clothes were all disheveled and buttoned up wrong, and she had several strands of straw tangled up in her long blonde hair. She immediately went up the stairs to her bedroom and went to sleep.

A little later, the farmer's wife came down and asked the farmer why their daughter went to bed so early.

"I don't know," said the farmer. "I told a man that he could sleep in the barn and our daughter took him some food."

"Oh," replied the wife. "Well, did you offer the man anything to drink?"

"Umm, no, I didn't," said the farmer.

The wife then said, "I'm going to take something out there for him to drink."

The wife went to the cellar, got a bottle of wine, then went out to the barn. She did not return for over an hour, and when she came back into the house, her clothes were also messed up and she had straw twisted into her blonde hair. She went straight up the stairs and into bed.

The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left the farm.

A few hours later, the daughter woke up and came rushing downstairs. She went right out to the barn, only to find it empty. She ran back into the house. "Where’s the man from the barn?" she eagerly asked the farmer.

Her father answered, "He left several hours ago."

"What?" she cried. "He left without saying good bye? After all we had together? I mean, last night he made such passionate love to me!"

"What?" shouted the father. "He took advantage of you?"

The farmer ran out into the front yard looking for the man but by now the man was halfway up the side of the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm gonna get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hands next to his mouth and yelled out,

"I laid the old laDEE, too!"

So that is how yodeling came about.