On Possums and Crosswalks

by Mastiff

(Note: The idea for this column was purloined directly from a post by Zeb on the GPB.)

I have always maintained, to the few who listen to me, that Darwinian Law applies to every animal except H. sapiens. I typically use the following examples to show my position and I'll just let Ol’ Charles roll in his grave while his well documented theories are shredded by my pathetic additions.

If you drive down just about any country road in the summer, you will doubtless see a pancaked possum or two. It happens... Possums are not the most intelligent creatures on the planet, and tend to stare at the lights of oncoming death until, well, death arrives. But, somewhere, just maybe, there are two possums that look up at the road, see the cars, and only cross when they won't end up in some hillbilly's roadkill stewpot. In an evolutionary time frame, it could take quite some time before two of these creatures, of opposite sex, meet and put the "Ohhhh" in Opossum, but it certainly could happen. So, once that happens, there is the possibility of this new see-headlights-turn-your-funky-pink-snout-the-other-way gene being transferred on to next generations. Assuming other factors such as sexual selection and the continual construction of new roadways are equal, this new modification of the species may just flourish. And since the beasts which are less road savvy still run out in the road to gnaw on one of their unfortunate brethren, extinction of that line could come quickly and easily. Unless...

Imagine for a moment that the higher order of possum decides to take the fate of the masses into their own hands. They find themselves a little possum bucket of paint and stripe a little possum crosswalk over the highways. Then they post one of the street-smart animals at the crosswalks to squeak, "Car!" and send the foolish throngs scurrying for cover. Yes indeed, animal philanthropy at its best... But what is the real outcome of this absurd example of altruistic activity? Aside from the obvious waste of resources, whereby the clever creatures could be dreaming up new strategies for rooting in your garbage at night, they have just placed a huge burden on the ability to sustain their environment with overpopulation and have lowered the standard of the gene pool...

I know that’s what you all are thinking... But yes, my point is this, "I can cross the street!" Yes, I know, sometimes it's a daunting task, but now and again I manage to get it done. Humans are not the most instinctive animals, and Mom had to teach me the basics, but by the time I was old enough to wander around the city, I could judge the distance and speed of cars enough to ford the asphalt. I hate when people stop or slow down, because it ruins my timing, but I never walk to a damn corner if something is straight across the street. And guess what? If I don't walk down to that corner and cross with those who don't comprehend the principles of physics, I might even get a ticket! Oh yes, the evils of Jaywalking… In essence, what we have done is create a society that caters to, and cares for, the lowest mental or physical capacity. We can't run over any of our "possums" in that little painted area, because you will end up facing a bevy of criminal and civil action. It doesn't matter if the person came running out from behind a tree, dressed in camouflage, in the dead of night, and dove under the wheels of the car. You're getting sued…

That kind of process has led to some very amusing warning labels on consumer products to avoid litigation.

- On a cardboard windshield sun shade:

"Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place."

- On a can of spray glue:

"Warning: Do not aim can at face."

- On a hair dryer:

"Warning: Do not use while bathing."

Now, I'm not sure about the rest of you… but I really don't want a person who cannot grasp the concept of electrical conductivity and water living long enough to reproduce. The reality that we tolerate, and in fact, reward this kind of behavior is appalling. Do I support genocide? No… Do I support eutanasia of babies who have parents who want to care for them? No… I support "raising the bar" on the tests life passes out, and not giving out free passes to those who can't make it. The good news, I suppose, is that it won't last forever, no matter what I think. "How fleeting are the wishes and efforts of man! how short his time! and consequently how poor will his products be, compared with those accumulated by nature during whole geological periods. Can we wonder, then, that nature's productions should be far 'truer' in character than man's productions; that they should be infinitely better adapted to the most complex conditions of life, and should plainly bear the stamp of far higher workmanship?" (Charles Darwin)

Hmmmm… I knew you'd get around to asking that. I was reading with interest what I call the Genserix the Alar v. Hup the Fool debate on the Public Boards. For those of you not following along at home, the Alar tribe inspects the newborns for defects and does not allow them to live unless they meet a standard. Hup, on the other hand, is a stubby little dwarf who happens to be very intelligent, not to mention a Kaissa champ. So, which is more Gorean? Which is more natural? My answer would be this… They are equally Gorean, and equally unnatural. Goreans tend to be very practical, but are rarely cruel. The chieftain of the Alars was not being vicious, he was simply doing what was best for the tribe. It is his responsibility. To me, it is unnatural because a newly born or hatched creature is rarely destroyed for this reason. A bitch may kick away a runt, but it has nothing to do with the good of the pack. It is instinctive, and it is for the good of the species. In the same respect, I would imagine the mother of Hup could not be so cruel as to have him killed, so he lived. In the city of Ar, she was quite capable of taking care of him without harming the citizens at large. Yet, as a weak animal may be culled from a pack by stronger males, Hup was allowed to stay. Left alone to nature, I doubt if he could have survived.

Almost each and every one of use relies on society for something. Just remember that next time you go by the grocery for food that you did not raise, kill, or grow. It is almost a natural reaction for a mother to protect even the weakest of children, and we all grow older, weaker, and more infirm. Yet, like all animals, most of us will fight to the very end. So, one day when I'm old and crossing the road with my walker… Well, just remember that I'm not a possum.