A close friend is living under your couch. Time to tell him to move on.

Losing your temper is not a good thing when dealing with a uniformed officer of the law. It might be good to shred your handwritten, 1,348 page manifesto, too.

Your creative energy hits a low point when you finish your novel and it is rejected by 14 publishers this week -- and the library refuses to let you copy it on their Xerox machine.

Reason says one thing, emotions another. A crisp $100 bill helps make up your mind, though.

A co-worker causes you some problems when they decorate their cubicle with a jungle motif.

Remember that poor person you passed on the street, the one who wanted some spare change? You can't forget how you just kept walking and ignored him, can you? Well, get the hell over it.

  TEFA (September 22 - October 22)

Saturn turns retrograde. Naturally, the warranty ended two weeks ago.

  NAR (October 23 - November 21)

Pluto is your ruling planet. This speaks well of you, since it's this puny little rock the size of a marble that could vanish tomorrow without having any significant effect on things.

  RARIUS (November 22 - December 20)

Don't worry about quantity. Really. I mean, I've seen smaller, although only in pet stores.

  VERR (December 21 - January 19)

Your phone line gets crossed with a bondage 1-900 service.

  THASSA (January 20 - February 17)

It's time to change your deodorant. Really.

  PARSIT (February 18 - March 19)

This is your lucky week! Venus enters your condo!