A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I’m on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I’m on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help.I understand that you are in the sales profession. I’m in sales, also. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I tell you, you’ll laugh."

"No, I won’t."

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, "See I knew you would laugh."

"That’s not what I’m laughing at," he replied."I’m a salesman for Preparation H, so I’m still a hole behind you!"

sent by paul

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have been faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish".

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to.

"The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy".

After a few minutes God said, "Do you want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

A woman asks her husband if he’d like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?"

He declines. "It’s this Viagra," he says, "it’s really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?"

Again he declines. "No, thanks. It’s this Viagra," he says, "It’s really taken the edge off my appetite."

At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That’ll only take a couple of minutes...?"

Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it’s this Viagra. It’s really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I’m fucking STARVING!"

Three Texans were in a bar throwing back a few, while they were discussing the meaning of life.

The conversation grew deeper and deeper when one of the gents started talking about reincarnation. The trio started considering the possibility of the existence of this phenomenon and what each would prefer to come back as given the choice.

The first cowboy said "Well I think if I had my ’druthers I’d come back as a big Brahman bull."

The other two contemplated this choice and inquired as to why a bull.

"Well," he said "If I was a bull all I would have to do would be to lay around eat and sleep all day. My women would be brought to me, and my owner would be paid for my services. That seems like a pretty good life to me."

His two buddies both agreed that sounded like a good way to go through life, but one thought he could improve on it. He said, "I’d rather come back as a range bull."

"A range bull, why a range bull?"

"Well," he said, "if I was a range bull it would be much the same as the life Leroy was talkin’ ’bout. All I would have to do all day is lay around and eat and sleep, but I wouldn’t have no fences to hold me back, and I would have my choice of all the women on the range. That seems like the best life to me."

Leroy nodded in agreement.

Just then ol’ Charlie spoke up. "Naw" he said as he shook his head, "Ya,ll got it all wrong. I’d rather come back as a whale."

"A whale, why in tarnation would you want to come back as a whale?" They were amazed at Charlie’s statement.

Charlie just grinned and said, "Can you imagine having a seven foot tongue and bein’ able to breathe out of the top of your head?"

Think You’re Having A Bad Day

Next time you think you’re having a bad day recall:

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.

2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her mentally retarded.

3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And the capper.......

6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

Here’s hoping your day is better than any of these.