The Gorean Voice - May 1999

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them.
The beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling.
The birch says "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies:
"It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

A man walked into a merchant’s shop and began to browse. He was attracted to a brass urt on a shelf behind the counter. He asked the shopkeeper for a price, and was told to make an offer. Presently, they agreed on a price, and the brass urt changed hands. The merchant warned the customer as he took the money, "This sale is final. If you leave the shop with the brass urt, I won't take it back under any circumstances." The customer agreed and left with the urt. As he walked home, he noticed that a live urt came scurrying out of an alley and began to follow him. Soon there were more, all following him and milling bout his feet. The man began to run, but the urts kept up, and more joined the procession. After a few ehn, thousands of urts were chasing after the man. The man ran frantically for the river, and threw the brass urt into the water. The live urts followed the brass urt, and soon all had drowned. The man returned to the shop, and on seeing him enter, the shopkeeper shouted, "I told you the sale was final! You cannot return the brass urt!" The customer replied, "That's no problem. I just wondered if you had a brass Cosian in stock."

A woman accompanied her free companion to the physician's office for a checkup. Afterwards, the green caster took the woman aside and said, "Unless you do the following things, your free companion will surely die." The physician then went on to say, "Here's what you need to do. Every morning make sure you serve him a good healthy breakfast. Meet him at home each day for lunch so you can serve him a well balanced meal. Make sure you feed him a good, hot meal each evening and do not overburden him with any stressful conversation, nor ask him to perform any difficult tasks. Also, keep the house spotless and clean so he does not get exposed to any threatening germs." On the way home, the man asked his free companion what the doctor said, and she replied, "You're going to die"...

A man walks into a tavern. He sits down for a bit and talks to a few people, then walks over to the to the tavern keeper and says, "I'll bet you 10 copper tarsks that if you puta paga bowl at that end of the table, I could stand at the other end andfill it up with my urine and not spill a drop!" Well the tavern keeper thinks, "That's an easy 10 coppers", and agrees to the bet. The man thengets on top of the bar and pisses everywhere... even on the bartender.Well, the keeper just laughs, since he just won 10 copper tarsks, and happily asks for his money. The man smiles and gives it, and the tavern keeper asks, "Why are you so happy? You just lost a bet!" To which the man replies, "Well, do you see that fellow at the other end of the bar? I bet him 20 silver tarsks that I could piss all over you and your table, and you’d smile and laugh!”

A guy 4' 6" builder walks into a bar and orders a drink, then stands up and yells across the bar "Who is the baddest man in here?" This guy 6' 4" warrior up and says "I am." Well, the little guy goes over and whips the crap out of the big man and leaves. The next day, the same little man orders a drink and proceeds to whip the crap out of the next baddest man in the bar. This goes on for two hands straight. Finally, the bartender decides to do something, and he hires a huge Kurii. The next day the little man comes in orders a drink says "Who's the baddest man here?" The bartender says "he's in the bathroom!" After 20 ehn of screaming and yelling the little guy comes out of the bathroom and tells the bartender, "When that sorry excuse for a man wakes up, tell him his fur coat is out in the alley!"

A warrior and his free companion walk into a tavern. The man then wanders outside to pee and leaves the women standing at the bar. A young scribe see this and, deciding to have some fun, walks up to the women and says "Those are great curves! I really want to squeeze your breasts!” The lady turns around and says "How dare you! get away from me, you cretin!" The scribe then says "Oh, you have a lovely ass! I would love to rub it!" The woman turns round and says "Get away from me! I'll get my free companion to hurt you up if you stop!" The scribe takes no notice and continues to the woman "I want to tip you upside down and fill you up with paga and down it in one big gulp!" Just then the warrior returns and says, "What is going on here?" The woman says hysterically, "That scribe over there said he wants to squeeze my breasts!" Her free companion rolled up one of his tunic sleeves and was just about to smack the scribe when the lady shouts "That's not all, he wants to rub my ass!" So her free companion rolls up the other sleeve! "And do you know what else he said?”, the woman exclaimed, “He wants to tip me upside down and fill me up with paga and down it in one big gulp!” The warrior rolls down his sleeves and says "Then he can do what he wants with you, woman, I’m not messing with a fellow that can drink that much paga!"

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as warning to others.

Ray's Law: You can't fall off the floor.

Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.