The Golden Beetle Awards

by Mastiff

Welcome readers, to the first time event of the Gordoggle Awards! In these, our times, we have so many events which bestow citations and prizes upon those who have achieved great things, I have decided that the great men with whom I spent time recently deserve accolades at the very least. For those of you who are unaware of the event that took place recently, I will give a brief overview. The word “Gordoggle” is our own derivation of the word boondoggle, which is the act of doing worthless or unproductive work. While the attendees may not be doing their normal work, I found the gathering to be more that just a little productive. When you meet people in the flesh that you have known on-line for some time, and realize that they are, indeed, what they claim to be... It is not worthless in the least. In fact, it was excellent. So get on your tunic with tails and dress your slaves in your finest silks, and join me in an award extravaganza!

WORD OVERUSAGE AWARD – The word which was uttered so many times was “muldoon”, and the orator was... *drumroll* JaKil! While I couldn’t find “muldoon” in any dictionary, I came to learn over the weekend that the word could replace the names for such items as tents, crawfish, particular beers, and other various items. It would seem that “muldoon” is indeed a noun, and is used most often during an inebriated state. Congratulations JaKil, on winning the first ever Gordoggle Award!

MANY WORD OVERUSAGE AWARD – While the men at GD5 may have heard a single word spouted forth continually from JaKil, there is evidently no proper way to describe the garrulous expulsion of multi-syllabic words spewed forth by SeaWinder after a few swigs of good booze. While he may have known exactly what he was attempting to convey, no one else had a remote idea.

MOST DETERMINED DRUNK AWARD – For anyone who has been in the prone position from too much libation, and desperately clinging to the grass to keep from falling from the face of the earth, this tribute will warm your heart. While making fun of a fallen comrade, I made the mistake of yelling, “Kaissa canjellne!” Well, it seems that a member of the player caste can never be too drunk to answer the bell. Jarl staggered to his feet, walked to the table, and slurred, “Let’s play”. Under the guise of being nice, I refused to play him drunk. The fact is, however, having been already beaten twice, I wasn’t about to lose a third time to someone too greased to walk straight...

SLIPPERY NIPPLE AWARD – “Keep ‘em covered!” This has to be the war cry whenever Naysayer the nipple twisting ne’er-do-well is around! I just assume that he is such a “tit man” that he just can’t help himself to any ol’ nipple when there are no kajira about... I assure you that I, for one, spent a large portion of time with my arms folded across my chest!

CROSS – CASTE AWARD – Breakfast, shrimp dinner, noodles covered in seafood sauce, and a crawfish boil (pronounced “berl”) complete with trimmings of corn, potatoes, and onions lead me to confer this award upon Phormio. If there were a “Caste of Creole Chefs”, he would at least be an honorary member. Due to his efforts, the fifth Gordoggle will always be remembered as one with fine outdoor dining.

MUSICAL BEDS AWARD – Now, there is some scurrilous scuttlebutt floating around about a particular drunken scribe and nocturnal activities. This much we know to be true. When a certain merchant vacated his sleeping space, a very cold scribe who had taken slumber without a blanket and beneath a ceiling fan found the merchant’s vacant spot much warmer. Upon his return from the assumption of the modality of midnight urination, the merchant deftly removed the scribe. Aside from that, I... I mean “the scribe” admits to nothing! Rumors! Innuendo! *sigh* All I can say is that I woke up in the backseat of my car....

SAWING WOOD AWARD – I was not, however, the only person at the event who spent time sleeping in a car. After I had departed for home, another member of our crew took my spot on the floor of the cabin. But this time, it was the merchant who moved. For driving Bear from his bed and into his car with only thunderous snoring, the winner is... Damascus!

WASTE OF LIQUOR AWARD – Call it what you will... tossing tacos, whistling carrots, wasting groceries, or even delivering the street pizza, it still comes down to one thing. You have wasted good alcohol. Since we have two nominees in this category, the selection was very difficult. One managed to give us a new phrase for vomiting (Calling for Jarl.) and also get himself captured on film with his pal Jose. But while they both fell from where they sat with equal grace, one was a worse infraction than the other. One wasted 18 year old scotch... Winner by a nose buried in chunky stew... SeaWinder!

SOUTHERN EXPOSURE AWARD – There are three nominees for this particular category. Naysayer, JaKil, and myself all had incidents which qualify for this category. My event was rather mundane. I simply walked around to the side of the cabin on night to assume the modality of bladder relief, and upon completion, noted that a free woman had been standing nearby. Instead of zipping up right there, I turned and headed back into camp. If I had known I would get jeers like, “Hey! You trolling for something?” or, “Are you ashamed of the little fella?" I would have opted for the indecent exposure ticket. Naysayer almost won this award with, not one, but two moon shots directed particularly at Jarl. Both scored direct hits, and both were photographed, but due to a drunken Phormio, they were lost. Alas. What was not lost, but which you will probably never see, was a photo of a certain warrior who said, “Balls? Check out *these* muldoons!” Can you guess the winner? JaKil!

THE HUNGRY URT AWARD – Does a Bear shit in the woods? Sure. Does a Bear eat in the woods? Of course! And Bear receives this commemoration for unpacking the most important things first... his eating utensils. He almost didn’t get this award, since he declined to eat mudbugs. I think, however, it just made him hungrier!

DANCE THE NIGHT AWAY AWARD – The last, but not least, trophy from the fifth Gordoggle is in the entertainment category. There are two nominations that are oddly different, since one is a couple in the ballroom event, and the other a single dancer. While Jarl grabbed Phormio and cut the rug with an outstanding drunken version of a waltz, Zeb takes the trophy home with a fine table dance that resembled a jig. In an awkward and off balance sort of way.... Either way, it was a fine frolic, which enlivened the evening. And for this, he garners the final award of the evening.

As you can see, the meeting with the men I call friends, some even brothers, was quite spirited and enjoyable. There were also times of somber reflection. When you think of men that you know who can not be with you, it makes you hurt just a bit.When you know one who cannot join you is hurting, you feel the pain as well. When you look at the men standing around a fire holding, one by one, the same Home Stone as your own, you listen carefully to their words. If Goreans do, indeed, wish one another well as they part, I also wish that each of you who live by Gorean philosophy this same experience. Because it will do you well.