A man is walking around the streets of New York one day when he spies an old friend of his from college. "Boris!" he yells. "I haven’t seen you in ages! How have you been?"

"Well," Boris replies. "I am the piccolo player for the International Orchestra."

"Spectacular!" the man replies.

"It is not what you might think, my friend. We play for the king of England, he loves the music. He says ’Fill the instruments with gold!’ and they fill the tuba with gold and they fill the trombone with gold, and me with the goddamn piccolo.

"We play for the queen of France. She loves the music; she says ’Fill the instruments with silver!’ and they fill the tuba with silver and they fill the trombone with silver, and me with the goddamn piccolo.

"Then we play for the czar of Russia. He hates the music; he say ’Shove the instruments up their asses!’ and the tuba doesn’t fit and the trombone doesn’t fit. AND ME WITH THE GODDAMN PICCOLO!"

A Somewhat Improved Glossary of Your PC’s Messages

It says: "Press Any Key"
It means: "Press any key you like but I’m not moving."

It says: "Press A Key"
(This one’s a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the "A" key.)

It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E"
It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it’s a hardware problem."

It says: "Installing program to C:\[Directory]...."
It means: "... And I’ll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you’ll NEVER find them."

It says: "Please insert disk 11"
It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."

It says: "Not enough memory"
It means: "I don’t CARE if you’ve got 64MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K."

It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...."
It means: "... However, if you put the CD in right side up..."

It says: "Please Wait...."
It means: "... Indefinitely."

It says: "Directory does not exist...."
It means: ".... any more. Whoops."

It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close." It means:
"....Makes no difference to me, you’re still not getting your work back."

BEST T-SHIRT SAYINGS

"Filthy Stinking Rich... Well, Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad"

"I Used Up All My Sick Days... So I Called In Dead"

"Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-Law on a Milk Carton"

"Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt"

"Learn from Your Parents’ Mistakes... Use Birth Control"

"If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My Knees"

"If You Can Read This...Kiss A Teecher"

"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"

"If You Remember the ’60s, You Weren’t Really There"

"Procrastinate Now"

"Rehab Is for Quitters"

(Across a drawing of a skeleton) "Waiting for the Perfect Man"

"My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse...
.... He Couldn’t do Better and I Couldn’t Do Worse"

"The More I Learn About Women, the More I Love My Harley"

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and tells him, "Well, you’ve been such a good guy, and your invention...the assembly line for the automobile...changed the world. "

As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want."

Ford thinks about it, and says, - "I want to hang out with God Himself."

So, the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, - "When you invented Woman, what were You thinking?" God asks, "What do you mean?"

"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There’s too much front end protrusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly needs repainting, and refinishing.
5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.
Just to name a few."

"Hmmm...," replies God, "Hold on a minute." God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it. God then turns to Ford, and says, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours.

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, "I see, yes, go on, and I understand. How did you feel about that?’"

The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don’t you think that’s a little better than slapping your knee and saying ’No shit! What happened next?’

A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.

Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don’t you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?"

This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.

After a few hours, the nephew returned.

"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.

"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"

A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it. Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father.

"Pop, what do I do first?"

"Get naked and climb into bed," his father replies.

So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama.

"Get naked and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies.

After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again.

"What do I do?" he asks.

His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she pees!" is the dad’s advice.

A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks.

"Well, what is he doing?" mama asks.

"He’s in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"