Sticks and stone may break my bones but words can never hurt me...but they can and do hurt.

Often belle has heard how harsh Gor is. Interestingly enough, a more common sentiment is how cruel slaves can be to one another. From the gasping on channel to bring attention to the girl who makes an error to labeling another female not slave just because her style deviates from the norm.

She would like to thank, angelique~D, swan{Ursa}, bonita{R} and snow{JDT} for sharing their wisdom and insight regarding these issues.

Wishing everyone well,
Property of Ares^
belle{A^}

angelique’s Master calls the various Gorean Forums "the papers". Many of us read these "papers" everyday, just as we would the New York Times or Wall Street Journal. And like any other "paper" you read, there are times when a thread can bring a smile to our faces, or make us laugh… and other times when they bring a tear to our eyes or just make us downright mad. angelique has seen certain threads be the subject of talk in channels in various realms, regardless of which "paper" the posts were sighted on. From angelique's experience, a good deal of the time, the discussions being held regard slaves and their interaction with each other.

angelique is far from perfect and makes mistakes all the time. She does, however, try her very best to remember, when speaking to other slaves, to speak to them as she would like them to speak to her. A girl thinks it is so important for a girl to remember her place at all times, to think about what she is saying before the words tumble from her mouth in haste. It is not angelique's place to pass judgement on anyone and though, she will admit, she has formed an opinion or two. She does try to keep an open mind and to always act as if she is at the feet of her Master, thinking before she speaks. Deciding if the words that come from her mouth would be pleasing to Him BEFORE she speaks them.

In the past few months, if you’ve read "the papers", angelique is pretty sure that you've seen on more than one board the bickering between slaves. Opinions of each other seemingly formed by improper syntax. Tempers flaring and harsh words spoken because of misunderstanding. Apparently, slaves forgetting that there are Men who read these boards. Girls forgetting who and what they strive to be, or for some, what they feel they are. So engrossed in the emotional arguments at hand, that they fail to notice that from the outside, what they are engaged in appears to be nothing more than a bitchy catfight.

It was always angelique’s understanding that the various forums were a learning tool, a place to share ideas, beliefs and opinions, not one for personal vendettas and backbiting. If each girl remembered that there are Men watching, the very same Men that while in their presence, we strive to be pleasing to, perhaps there would be more sharing of thoughts and ideas and less name-calling and fighting. Though we, as people, are all vastly different, we do have one great thing in common. Our desire to be pleasing to the Men we serve. There are so many ways we could help each other, learn from each other...if only we could show others the respect that we would want to be shown.

Always remembering who’s reading what we post and not hanging our dirty silks on the line, so to speak. Keeping in mind, that if there is an issue that brings forth some adverse reaction to take it private, speaking on the matter one-on-one with the person you've taken issue with. Who knows, you might even get complimented by a Master on how pleasing you are.

This girl has been asked to write an article for TGV on "Slave Etiquette and Respect". In order to do this effectively, swan is going to get down to the bare bones and be as candid as possible.

As swan gave this some thought, it occurred to her that before any girl can claim that she adheres to pleasant slave etiquette, claim that she treats others with respect and hopes to receive respect from other girls - she must first like what she sees when she looks in the mirror.

It's so easy to present a facade, to wear a mask, hiding our true selves, (sometimes even from ourselves) especially in an online forum - but ultimately, when we look into our own eyes what do we see? Can we honestly say that we see a girl who strives with all her being, at all times to be pleasing to the free, one who endeavors to be helpful to other kajirae, one who fully realizes her place in the natural order as she presents questions and offers advice?

Or conversely, does she perhaps have an ulterior motive, using the online forums for a private agenda? Is she all sugar and spice in the presence of the free, then nothing but a she-sleen in private, gossiping and "getting the goods" on other girls?

What are her motives for having a presence on the various boards and mailing lists? Is she trying to participate and learn, or does she simply want everyone to hear the way she believes things should be - her view of slavery and Gor? Does she believe she still has much to learn or does she think she already knows it all? When she responds, does she write with a modicum of humility or does she simply ride rough shod over the words of another slave, belittling and caring little whether the girl benefits from her response as long as her own words look good to the free?

Awareness of our Place.

It seems such an easy thing to remember when we’re in the immediate presence of the free, so why does that awareness sometimes disappear simply because the free are absent? This girl would speculate that slaves who fall into this mold are those that respond mainly to domination rather than behave as the kind of slave who has an innate desire to be found pleasing at all costs. They do not have the capacity to think for themselves in a manner that is not only pleasing to free people but in a manner that would be respected by other slaves.

There is much joking about the "slave vine", and how rapidly gossip can spread. Does that speak well of us? This girl doesn't believe so at all. Gossip has, does, and always will bring a great deal of sadness and sometimes pain to those that are involved. It has a way of devolving into untruths that can damage people and reputations. So why involve yourself in such activity, either actively or passively? Why involve yourself in any activity at all that free people would find displeasing? Do we really need to be supervised and micro-managed - told to keep away from such things?

Whether you have acknowledged it or not, a hierarchy establishes itself among the slaves. Call it a clique; call it the elite; the more experienced; or the "offline" girls (looking down their noses with disdain on the "online only" girls), call them the dancers; or the girls owned by channel Ops… whatever. It’s a sad phenomenon that for girls who are supposed to not only realize but also accept and embrace their non-status, they can’t wait to prove that they are in fact better in various ways than other girls.

Focus.

Where is a girl’s focus if she is constantly concerned with her place in the scheme of things? On the free? This girl doesn’t believe so. She is consumed with herself, the way she appears to others, and ego driven.

Have you ever truly noticed a girl whose entire focus is on being pleasing? Have you ever watched other girls watching her?

Two things typically happen here. We have perception versus reality -

Perception:

The girl is labeled by other slaves as a "goody two shoes" .. or a "suck up", always trying to show the free how good she is.

Reality:

The girl is focused, she wants and needs to serve, she wants and needs to please, she doesn’t notice the barbs and snide comments aimed her way by other slaves precisely because she is focused on the free.

Perception: The other slaves feel justified in their comments and behavior .. after all .. the other girl is the one trying to prove she's better than the rest!

Reality: If she does happen to briefly notice the comments, she turns her attention once again to pleasing the free, her belly guides her away from any pain brought by their spiteful comments to the fulfillment that only serving the free can bring her.

It can become a vicious circle where the girl tries harder and harder to please, but the more she tries, the more her peers look down upon her for her "martyrdom". It can be a lonely place for a girl.

This girl is not saying that this is the norm for slaves’ behavior .. but it does exist, and it is not infrequent. Why can’t some girls just take a step back and examine themselves, their thoughts, their motives and their bellies? That’s where the real answers lie in how to obtain respect from other slaves, that’s where a girl may learn how to behave in a manner pleasing to the free. The answers really are inside us, not criticizing and gossiping about other slaves.

Online Etiquette.

Never ever assume you can participate in a discussion with men. Don’t offer the disclaimer (or similar): "a girl wasn’t sure if it was her place comment and offer a humble opinion but she will and begs forgiveness in advance if she’s erred".

Our place is not in the discussions of men, unless slave comments and opinions are expressly invited. If they are, then understand that it’s a privilege that’s been extended to you. That privilege can just as easily be taken from you.

When greeting a mixed forum, a girl should greet the men first, then the free women, and lastly the slaves.

Right way:

Greetings Masters,
Greetings Mistresses,
Greetings girls/slaves/whatever

Wrong way:

"Greetings Masters, Mistresses, girls"

There are of course acceptable variations on the greetings, but the main thing is not to be lazy and possibly cause the men to feel as if you're trying to herd them in with the women and slaves.

The BDSM grammar convention of capitalizing all pronouns pertaining to a free person, or using "A/all", "E/everyone", "O/our" etc., is vehemently disliked by Goreans. They value a girl paying attention to detail, a girl who strives to make her writing pleasing to the eye (easy to read) and uses good grammar, far above false and superficial respect.

Tone: Be ever aware of the tone of your posts - and not only when addressing the free. Try to remember that although you might not be specifically addressing free people in your post, they are often still reading what you have to say. Your tone toward another girl may be seen as displeasing behavior - not in defense of the other girl but simply because the way you say something is ugly in its intent. There are many pleasing ways to get your point across without demeaning another girl in the process.

Mood: Your mood can cut through ice and be obvious to people 10,000 miles away in the way you write. Be careful of choosing the right time to respond to posts. Wait till your anger has dissipated, your perceived need to be sarcastic has totally vanished and frustration has been controlled. An angry, sarcastic, frustrated post isn't a pleasure for anyone to read and speaks badly of the writer. Furthermore, people tend to focus on the negative aspects of the post (sarcasm etc.) rather than absorb and understand the point you're attempting (badly) to make.

Intent: What is the reason for your post? Examine it. Are you seeking information? Attempting to provide a possible solution to a problem? Sharing personal thoughts? Providing support?

Or do you plan on telling another slave off for her behavior? Are you hell bent on exposing (someone you believe to be) a liar? Pronouncing judgment on someone for the way they choose to run their lives?

Which things do you really believe a free person would find pleasing to read?

Relevance: Is what you're writing about relevant to the forum you're addressing? For example; there's no point in passing comment about online collarings if the forum is dedicated only to offline Goreans and their lifestyle.

If a discussion looks like it's going to deteriorate into a catfight. Have enough foresight to back off and desist. Don't let your focus on being pleasing be overridden by your need to prove yourself right at all costs. If you absolutely cannot let the matter drop, then at least take the situation OFF the forum - well before hand to a more private venue.

Personality conflict: Be aware that a personality conflict can arise in a discussion, which can blur all the possible good things being said by both sides. Example: One girl may find that her owner is pleased by her being bright, happy, outgoing, mischievous, humorous and animated. Another girl's owner may find her pleasing because she is exactly the opposite; calm, shy, placid and more of a quiet conversationalist.

These two girls may have completely different takes on various topics and it might be that neither is wrong .. just different. But still, tempers can flare simply because each one doesn't see things in exactly the same way as the other. Learn tolerance, and to allow room in your understanding to see what the other person is saying. Don't just have the dogmatic view that she's not agreeing with you and take offence.

Ok, so we've dealt with forums. What of chat programs exist out there?

The majority of chat programs incorporating Gor are not dedicated to discussion, but to some kind of online elucidation of our offline lives that requires a degree of initiative and creativity.

A girl might spend days and days creating the perfect online dance. Perhaps online dancing is the best way she can express herself and her belly to the men with whom she comes in contact. She pours all of herself into this beautiful creation of words - only to stumble into a channel as another girl performs the dance she wrote or she happens to see it recreated on some obscure website.

While it may not be such a big deal to some, to others, it can be devastating. It's like being violated, like having something literally stolen from inside you, and it’s dishonest and misrepresentational of the girl who takes it and claims it as her own. The same scenario can apply to online serves, and we all know just how often they have been and still are plagiarized.

The need for showing respect and employing good etiquette in all that we do is essential when dealing with the free, why should it be any less so when dealing with one another? Why should there be any difference dependent upon whether we are in public or private?

As surrendered slave girls we’re supposed to be completely open - totally and helplessly exposed in thought and deed. How can this be true if girls don one mask for the free and only show their true selves when the free are absent? How can girls build the foundation of their slavery upon hypocrisy and dishonesty?

Last of all - remember that if your only motivation for writing to the various forums is to be noticed by the free, you may very well be noticed… and that may… or may not be a good thing.

Your motivation for these activities should come from an inner need to explore and learn more of your slavery and a desire to help others .. not for any aesthetic self-serving reasons.

Remember too, that for every nugget of wisdom you feel you impart to others .. there is always someone else from whom you can learn.

"The girl enters into a channel for the first time and is greeted by a bevy of slaves she has never met before: 'Greetings sister' She looks closely at each one, trying to find some family resemblance to her parents, shakes her head and in a surprised voice, asks, 'Did this one's mother give birth to other children that a girl did not know about?'"

This one has experienced this more than once, not meaning to be unkind, but simply to point out in hopefully a humorous way, that for many slaves, calling or being called sister is a very personal issue.

In preparing for this article, bonita talked to many slaves, some she knows and many new to her. The things she learned plus her own thoughts are the heart and soul of this piece.

In her research, though most certainly not scientific, she found two separate trains of thought on the subject of "sisterhood".

The first are slaves who dislike being called sister by anyone but their closest friends, not necessarily girls who are owned by the same Master she is the property of. They find it a very personal thing to take another as sister. Their reasons are as individual as they are, but seem to center on their own family relations. They are close to their own blood sisters, sharing a very special relationship with them and don't easily take another slave into that circle of feelings.

The second group have feelings exactly opposite the first groups. They call all slaves sister, feeling that the shared existence of slavery is reason enough to be a part of a larger circle of sisterhood. Many feel it is rude not to address each other as sister, and are offended if not so addressed.

It is interesting to note that there was no division between the slaves of Inns, Taverns and Discussion Channels. The feelings crossed all lines of the slaves place on her journey within Gor. This girl was surprised to find this, having supposed those slaves, like herself, who are owned off-line and on, might have very similar feelings.

So, when it comes to calling other slaves sister, just do what you feel comfortable with and if a slave seems to feel differently than you do, try to understand her thoughts and don't push the issue, there is no right or wrong where this is concerned.

On the other hand offering advice and help to other slaves is a widely accepted practice and one that this girl is constantly grateful for. As being a slave is an ongoing learning experience, bonita thinks a girl can never have to many teachers. If it were not for many slaves she knows, this one would still be floundering in red sugar. ~smiles~

It is how this advice is given that makes it easy to accept or difficult. Most of the slaves bonita knows well, feel that any help or advice, even criticism should not be done in channel, unless it is a forum for such discussions. Otherwise the private messaging feature is a slaves best friend.

Be careful how you offer the advice. It might not be a good way to offer help by saying: "How could you do that? are you nuts?" instead "~Smiles~, That is an interesting way of doing that.. might a girl ask where you learned it?". This way, you have opened a dialog and not sounded as though you are attacking the girl.

As bonita used to tell her children when they were young. It's not what you say, its how you say it that will cause you grief. Be free with your advice when the occasion arises, but in a warm and friendly manner. A girl thinks you will be repaid many times over for reaching out.

Two other things she would like to touch on before this gets any longer. Being a friend and not backbiting. The two things just don’t go together. A friend listens, does not judge, offers advice if she can and is just there on the good days and bad, what a friend does NOT do is tell everyone in whisper what the other slave said and how nasty she really is and what the girls Master said about slave x or a. In other words, a friend holds trust and her tongue. If you want to have good friends among the slaves you are in contact with, then be the kind of friend you want to have.

We are all together in this world of surrender and service. The goal should be to make anywhere we are, a place of rest and relaxation for the Free.

Respect is a virtue highly prized by Goreans. As pleasing property our respect for our Masters is absolute and is extended to all the Men and Free Women we meet. But what about other slaves, the sisters who serve besides us?

snow has noticed that slaves don't always respect other slaves. This presents itself in a variety of ways, from taking out jealously on a pleasing kajira, to correcting a new girl haughtily... without offering help. A slave has no rights, including the right to judge others. Of course everyone forms opinions about others, but your actions can’t reflect your personal bias. Instead, actions are chosen to please the Free, and snow can pretty much guarantee you that the Free aren’t pleased by petty, competitive slaves.

Examining these errors in behavior, is the best way to ensure they don’t repeat themselves. Look to yourself, and monitor your actions. When a new girl enters, do you take her aside and explain the basics, directing her to websites, and explaining where the books can be found? Remember when you were new, not knowing the difference between nadu and bara... scrambling to remember if first slave meant with or without cream and sugar? It's scary. These girls have to worry about pleasing the Free, not the other slaves.

How about jealousy? One of the saddest things snow has seen are girls who begin to feel they are entitled to usage. Just because you have served a Master and pleased him, doesn’t mean you are entitled to a "repeat customer".

The collar around your neck means a multitude of things, one of them being the fact that a man will use you when he feels like it, in whatever way he sees fit. His neck is bare...you are the slave. Many times, when a girl recognizes that she has no control over the Master, she things she’ll move on to intimidating other girls. snow's actually received private messages from girls that have accused her of "trying to steal my Master".

Once a girl was booted in mid serve, and gone for over fifteen minutes, the girl returned about twenty minutes later. By this time snow had already served the thirsty Master. The PM’s that followed were fraught with profanity and references of "stealing my serve".

Now, to bother the Free with pettiness amongst slaves is not the answer. The answer is respect amongst slaves. Remember your place and remember that the girl beside you is a sister.