One day, a mom was cleaning her son's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine.

This was highly upsetting for her.

She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.

He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.

She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?"

The dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

The NFL announced today in a press conference that one team from the league needed to be eliminated. What officials have decided to do is to ccombine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team therefore saving jobs.

They will be known as the TAMPACKS...They're only good for one period and have no second string.

A priest, rabbi and televangelist were playing their usual Wednesday round of golf, and started discussing their weekly collections. Specifically, they started to compare how they decided what portion of the collection to keep for themselves and what portion to give to God.

The rabbi explains: "I draw a circle around myself and toss the money in the air. Whatever lands in the circle I keep for myself. What ever lands outside the circle, I give to God."

The priest then adds: "I use a similar method, except that whatever lands in the circle I give to God, and whatever lands outside the circle I keep for my personal needs."

The televangelist then proclaims: "I also use the same method. Except, that I toss the money in the air and I figure that whatever God wants, he can take."

Why is Bill Clinton so reluctant at deciding the fate of the young Cuban boy?

Because last time he made a decision about where to put a Cuban, he was impeached!

The minister, all fired up because of recent obvious problems of infidelity, shouted out, "I want everyone who has been heing and sheing to stand up!"

Half of his congregation stood up.

He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been heing and heing to stand up!"

A couple of men stood up.

He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been sheing and sheing to stand up!"

Several women stood up.

The minister looked over his congregation and noticed that everyone was standing except Little Johnny.

The minister shouted out, "Brothers and Sisters, look at Little Johnny, can he be the only one without sin? Little Johnny, stand up.....I guess you are the only one here who isn't preoccupied with sex and committing sins. What do you have to say!"

Little Johnny replied, "Reverend, you ain't said nothing about meing and meing!"

Harry goes up to a prostitute and says, "How much for a blow job?"

She says, "A hundred bucks."

He tries to talk her down, but she won't budge, so he agrees to pay the hundred. Then he starts to jack off.

She says, "What are you doing that for?"

He says, "For a hundred bucks, do you think I'm gonna give you the easy one?"

In this age of safe sex the need for condoms are a must but some people still have a difficult time buying them. Take my friend, Joe. Our local store carries condoms behind the counter and you need to ask the salesperson to get them.

So Joe went up to the salesperson, but he was so nervous he could only ask where the straws were. So he bought the straws and left only to have to come back to buy his condoms.

Again Joe came into the store and was still so nervous he could only ask where the tweezers were, so he bought a pair of tweezers and left.

Joe once again had to go back and buy his condoms. He went up to the salesperson and said, in a low tone, "I need some condoms."

The salesperson rang up the sale and said, "First you come in to buy straws, then to buy tweezers, and now to buy condoms. What I want to know is..... are you going to suck it, pluck it, or fuck it?"

A man went to confession and said, "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."

The priest asked if he would like to confess his sins, and the man replied that he had used the "F-word" over the weekend.

The priest said, "Oh, okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."

The man replied that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word." The priest sighed and told him to continue.

"Well, father, I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church."

The priest said, "And you got upset over that and swore?"

The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."

The priest said, "And that's when you swore."

The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."

The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"

The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in it's sharp talons and flew away."

The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"

The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."

The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!!!"

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: '4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer ,4 poorer.'

It was laying limp in my hand.

It was very long, kind of thin. I slid it between my fingers until I got to the end of it. I was turning it on. It became firm in my hands, and the end was wet. Then it got very hard and began gushing out of the tip.

Then I took the garden hose and watered the bushes.

The newly married man came home from work to find his new bride stretched languorously on the sofa, dressed in a negligee.

"Guess what I got planned for dinner?" she asked seductively. "And don't you dare tell me you had it for lunch today."

A man with a terrible sore throat walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something to relieve it, and the pharmacist says: "Well, I could give you any number of things but they won't really do you much good. However, I can tell you what I do when I have a bad sore throat like you have."

"Really? What's that?" asks the man.

"I go straight home and have my wife give me a good blow job. I suggest you try that."

"Sounds great!" says the man, "Is your wife home now?"