I was watching the forbidden technology box again the other night, not even thinking about writing this column, when one of the late night psychic regulars came on to try and entice me into forking out good money for a "reading". It would have been summarily dismissed from mind if I hadn’t gotten a chuckle from the website at the bottom of the screen. I have hunted for the full address all day, and haven’t been able to locate it, but it was www.mastersomething.com. It made me chuckle because at that moment I had a flash of a Gorean man calling one of these people, and giving them quite a start. You see, I don’t have any use for these folks, as I find them to be charlatans, but I suppose people who use them get what they deserve.

My favorite commercial of this type is the one that comes on with, "Tired of those phony ‘so called’ psychics? Call our professional psychics at…" It then says that they have passed an exam to be on staff. I’ve often wondered about this test for the clairvoyant, and what it might entail. Do they try and predict the closing of the Dow Jones or some other upcoming event? Or perhaps they are simply given a blank sheet of paper and have to write the questions as well as the answers to the test. Maybe it’s just the old stand-by, "I’m thinking of a number between 1 and 10…" If they call it right, then the next thing they know, they are on the phone answering the age-old question of whether the guy or gal in the mobile home next to yours has the hots for you!

I contemplated calling one of these hotlines and asking some very unique questions concerning the Gorean lifestyle, and then enjoying the responses before sharing them with you. Of course, my expense budget at the Gorean Voice is limited to… well, nothing. So instead of spending a silver tarsk per ehn, I did the next best thing. I went looking for some free advice on the Internet. There are literally thousands of sites that proclaim free readings and advice, so I picked the first one and began. The "Hand of Ra" had me concentrate while touching the screen, then had me answer questions. They wanted my birthday, my name, my weight, how much paga I drink, what color I like most, my favorite constellation, and finally… my credit card number! That’s right, for $12.95 each, they would send me reports on love, finance, and a host of other topics. So much for "connecting with the infinite" for free! I contemplated giving them Bear’s e-mail address and a phony credit card number, but I didn’t need a mystic to tell me what would happen if he figured out who did it. So I kept hunting, and after a few Magic 8-Ball type sites (Which, incidentally, told me a certain free woman wears a sirik around the house when no one is looking!), I discovered a spot that gave me a free reading of sorts. It was more of a horoscope style write up, but I learned some wonderful things about myself. For instance, I now know I’m "a steadfast and patient soul, capable of tremendous devotion, dedication, endurance, and constancy." You bet! I knew about the endurance part, but I was very pleased to learn the rest. I was very happy until I got to this part… "you can be enormously lazy at times and have a tendency to overindulge in good food and other earthly pleasures." Can you believe that? Of all the nerve. And I actually started to believe it, but then I got to the end, at which point it said I "have an aptitude for singing..." For those of you that have heard me sing, you know that’s a bunch of bosk baloney.

It also didn’t mention my natural suspicion of the supernatural. I heard a story a few years ago about one of these telephone seers who wanted to purchase a particular home run baseball when it was hit. Now, I don’t think it was one of the McGwire or Sosa balls, since those were too recent. I want to say it was some big player about to hit number 400 or something. In any case, this fellow offered a million dollars to the person who caught it. Now, call me crazy, but I’d think it would have been much cheaper to buy a ticket to the damn game and sit in the seat where the home run ball would land. That could just be an urban legend, of course, but this headline from The Associated Press in 1998 is not. "Psychic Friends Network owner files for bankruptcy protection" was in the news on February 5^th, and everyone, including the usually stodgy AP had a laugh with "finances, it appears, can’t always be foretold". I think my hopes of the psychic powers being real were dashed when James Olson, a lawyer for the company, explained that executives hoped to keep the company operating while reorganizing its finances. "There’s a belief that if they get rid of the distractions and put the past problems behind it and concentrate on their business, they can make money again," he said. A belief? Surely with two hundred on staff, one would be daring and unwrap the crystal ball to make sure this wasn’t all being done for naught… But then, perhaps they knew something we didn’t.

So, you ask, what does this have to do with my life as a Gorean? Well, I suppose during the laughing fit I had while envisioning Goreans on the "hotline", I came to a realization that there are people making the calls. The bankruptcy noted above was due to the revenue dropping from 200 to 15 million dollars per years. That’s right, at the height of this business, it grossed… two… hundred… million… annually. That’s quite a bit of money for phony advice. Now, think about the good advice you can get for nothing in our own little community. There are boards, and there are websites, there are channels for discussion, and of course, there are the novels that will cost you less than a ten-minute call to a 900 number. That’s right, it’s all free. Even though some of it isn’t worth reading. It is more than proper to question those who stand in authority on any matter, and no one is omniscient as some psychic folks would have you believe. But when it comes to many lifestyle issues, there are those who have more knowledge than the rest, and are generally willing to share what they know and what they have experienced. I suggest that no one take it for granted… next time you ask it might cost you $2.99 a minute.