By kaylee{G}

While surfing the internet late one evening, kaylee noticed there are many discussions and articles written about the journey of accepting one’s nature and learning to surrender to another, but the amount of available writings about the life one leads as a surrendered woman dramatically decreased. It gave kaylee pause for thought, realizing that she had noticed in discussions that many people seem to focus on surrender as the goal within a Master/slave relationship- in fact, it was something that kaylee had done herself at one time.

Yet, in kaylee’s experience, the journey does not stop once surrender occurs. It merely changes, to what extent depends on the person involved. For kaylee, it changed everything- similar to her slipping on a pair of sunglasses- it colors everything within her world.

There are still so many twists in the road after one has surrendered- at least, that has been true for kaylee. At times, the challenges she faces now are different than she did earlier on in her slavery, and at times, her struggles are the same as everyone else’s because life goes on, regardless of whether she is owned or not.

She mentioned to Master Hersius that two columns, one from the perspective of someone who is owned and one from an author who is unowned, might give an interesting twist to the slave oriented columns of the past. She knows that often, she has a hard time relating to articles written from the standpoint of a woman who is not enslaved by a Master, simply because that is a situation she has not encountered in almost five years. And most likely, her experiences may be very different from someone who is unowned.

Luckily, an author stepped forward to offer her talents, and starting next month, there will be two columns oriented towards slaves. She hopes that the dual perspectives will be of interest to you. And now... onto this month’s column.

“I will” versus “I want to”

A conversation found kaylee and a friend discussing the differences between situations when a man expects a slave to obey and strive to do her best, regardless of how she feels about the task at hand, versus when it is important to the owner that the slave actually feels enthusiasm for the required duties. As her friend aptly called it, we spoke of the difference between “I will” vs. “I want to”. She asked if kaylee had found any techniques to help herself change her attraction to activities that her owner enjoyed that she would not normally enjoy.

kaylee suspects that there is a variety of viewpoints on this topic, depending on the individuals involved and the dynamic between the people involved, not to mention the amount of self that is relinquished. Surrender means different things to different people, and each owner has different expectations for service in his or her own way. The key, for kaylee, is what her mindset is.

This slave believes that mindset is related to the majority of perceived struggles that a slave often experiences. She does not believe that there is a correct or incorrect mindset to have, but rather, that one’s mindset can be indicative of the type of relationship they are in. For example, at some point quite a while back, kaylee stopped feeling as though she was “under” him. Rather, she lives with the sense that she is an “extension of” him, no longer a separate entity of her own. A large part of this process has been learning acceptance, and a growing awareness of her lack of autonomy. It is a peaceful way to be: his goals are her goals, his priorities direct hers. Even if the activities are not something she find fun out of context, there is a sense of incredible “rightness” that comes from knowing it is as he wills. The more self she relinquishes to him, the more she accepts his goals as hers, the less turmoil she has about conflicting desires simply because the conflict seems to occur less often. While this may not work for everyone, it is what works best for her.

If kaylee finds that she’s less than enthusiastic about serving him, it is often because she is not focused. She might pause then to remind herself she’s on his time, not hers. It is never her time, nor does she want it to be. Even having served him as long as she has, she’s fully aware that she is replaceable. That knowledge definitely affects her desire to meet his expectations, even in the little ways.

How kaylee perceives the activity has a lot to do with her emotional response to the command... and it is possible to change her outlook of the activity, whether she does it herself, or if he manipulates it. And some men will prefer the slaves to suck it up and obey, and others will want the slaves to find enjoyment in the command they are obeying. It really depends on the men; she’s served both types. Sometimes her owner can tell her to suck it up on certain things, but want her to enthusiastically crave another command of his, depending on his mood.

This one’s emotional response is not the same when his order is to scrub the toilet, rather than an activity that kaylee enjoys for its own sake. That being said... he could care less whether kaylee’s particularly enthusiastic about toilets, it’s going to be scrubbed as quickly, efficiently and quietly as possible. Her goal is to be useful and serve, without any greater inconvenience to him. She won’t feign enthusiasm for the actual act if she doesn’t feel it, but she will let him know she’s grateful and happy to serve him in whatever way he wants, and she’ll do the best job she can.

However, it is a good feeling to know that if he for some reason wants her to actually crave the act of scrubbing the toilet, he has the ability to manipulate her emotions to a point where she does crave the act itself.

Until next month, she wishes you well.
-kaylee{G}

kaylee has been the household property of Gabriel for nearly five years, and together they have shared their passion for writing on his website: www.gor-on-earth.com. Future topics, suggestions, feedback, and questions are always welcome. kaylee can be contacted at: kaylee@gor-on-earth.com