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By lissa Greetings Masters, This is an excerpt from lissa’s journal she has begun keeping. The original column she had written just wasn’t sitting well with her and she decided to share a bit of herself with you. Dear Diary, It’s been a couple of days since he walked out the door. It’s something that we both knew would happen, but even then, the shock of it actually happening can flatten you. I guess somewhere deep inside of me I held out hope that it wouldn’t come to this, but it has. I’m not sure how I’ve managed them, the days since he’s been gone, and looking back they are a blur. The constant forcing of myself to get up in the mornings, when all I really wanted to do was lie in bed and disappear from the world. It’s all kind of run together and I’m really not sure where one day began and one ended, but I know I have survived because the calendar says so. You know, the funny part is, it’s the little things I miss the most. The getting up in the morning before he did, and watching him sleep. The phone calls everyday just to hear his voice, and to find out what he wanted for dinner. Spending hours in the grocery store, ensuring that I picked only the best that I could find, so he could feel as if he were a king. That smile on his face when he was happy with all that I had done. It’s amazing the things you miss doing and the things that mean the most in the end. It’s also amazing how many days and nights I’ve spent beating myself up over what I did wrong. How I have failed. How I can fix this. There is no one I know, that can hurt me with words, more than I have done to myself these past 2 days. I’m plagued with questions of what if and how come and why. God, why. That’s a huge one, that why question. I never do find the answers to why, but I continue my assault, hoping that if I feel guilty enough, or I hurt enough, that something will give, or something will change. And I really need to face the fact that it won’t. I moved across the country, on a hope and a whim. Never taking the right amount of time to really think this thru. I was so busy trying to “be” and to “belong”, that I missed the point of it all. I didn’t look at this opportunity correctly. I wasn’t open and honest about it with anyone, including myself. And in doing that I did a huge disservice to everyone around me. As a friend of mine put it to me, “lissa you started at step 1 and jumped to step 10, when you should have taken the other steps as well. You skipped to the front of the line, and lost the lessons in between.” I wish I could say that I would never be so foolish again, but somehow I don’t believe that is possible. I do know that I can say I will take the steps next time, and not be so greedy to get to the front of the line. Always, PS If you have any comments, questions, or ideas for things you’d like to hear about, please feel free to contact her at simply_lissa@yahoo.com |
