Dear Sir,

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous, and after being married for 7 years and having 7 children I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are totally useless.

After getting married I was advised to use the ’Rhythm Method’. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha Cha Cha.

A doctor suggested using the ’Safe Period’. At the time we were living with in-laws and had to wait for 3 weeks for a safe period when the house was empty. Needless to say, this didn’t work.

A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love whilst breast feeding we would be alright. It’s hardly Newcastle Brown Ale, but I did finish up with clear skin, silky hair and felt very healthy, and my wife was pregnant.

Another old wives’ tale we heard was that if my wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. After constant breast feeding, including my earlier attempts, if my wife jumped up and down she would finish up with two black eyes and eventually knock herself unconscious.

I asked a chemist about the ’Sheath’. The chemist demonstrated how easy it was to use, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn’t really surprise me as I fail to see how a durex stretched over the thumb, as the chemist showed, can prevent babies.

She was supplied with the ’Coil’ and after several unsuccessful attempts to fit it, we realised we had got a left hand thread and my wife is definitely a right hand screw.

The ’Dutch Cap’ came next; we were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all, but alas it did give my wife severe headaches. We were given the largest size available but it was still too tight across her forehead.

Finally we tried the ’Pill.’ At first it kept falling out, then we realised we were doing it wrong. My wife started putting it between her knees, thus preventing me getting anywhere near her; this did work for a while until the night she forgot the Pill.

You must appreciate my problem. If this operation is unsuccessful, I will have to revert to oral sex, although just talking about it can never substitute for the real thing.

Yours faithfully,

"The Invisible Killer."

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there.

Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, bloating, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.

Dihydrogen monoxide is also known as hydroxyl acid, and is the major component of acid rain. It:

1. --contributes to the "greenhouse effect.
2. --may cause severe burns.
3. --contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
4. --accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
5. --may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.
6. --has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

Contamination Is Reaching Epidemic Proportions! Significant quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the substance has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage in the midwest, and recently California.

Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:

1. --as an industrial solvent and coolant.
2. --in nuclear power plants.
3. --in the production of styrofoam.
4. --as a fire retardant.
5. --in many forms of cruel animal research.
6. --in the distribution of pesticides. (Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical.)
7. --as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food products.

The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this chemical compound due to its "importance to the economic health of this nation." Worse, military organizations--- the Navy is the worst offender--- are developing weapons based on DHMO. Other branches of the military receive tons the substance through a highly sophisticated distribution network that’s hidden underground, away from public scrutiny. Many military facilities store large quantities of DHMO for later use!

It’s Not Too Late! Act NOW to prevent further contamination. Find out more about this dangerous chemical. What you don’t know can hurt you and others throughout the world.

(OK: For those of you who slept during high school chemistry, "Dihydrogen Monoxide" is ordinary water. [g])

Little Johnnie and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know they are in love.

One day they decided that they want to get married, so Johnnie decided to approach Susie’s father to ask him for her hand. Johnnie bravely walked up to him and said, "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing ever, Mr. Smith replied, "Well Johnnie, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnnie replied, "In Susie’s room, of course. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit our stuff in there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Susie."

Again, Johnnie instantly replied, "Our allowance - Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnnie had put so much thought into his proposal. So, Mr. Smith thought for a moment, as he tried to come up with something that Johnnie wouldn’t know how to answer.

After another moment, Mr. Smith said, "Well Johnnie, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnnie just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, we’ve been lucky so far..."

A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.

"If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her.

The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."

The secretary came in late for work for the third day in a row.

The boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that’s over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. Who told you you could come and go as you please around here?"

Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, "My lawyer."

There’s this man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem. A few days later, he receives a parcel with a note: "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head, and with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate."

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says: "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head, you will really look the part."

Now the man is really annoyed, since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint.

The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads; "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a candied apple!"

A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about his sex life.

"Well..." the man drawled, "not bad at all to be honest. The wife ain’t all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old."

"My goodness Frank, and at your age, too." the doctor said. "I hope you took at least some precautions."

"Yep. I may be old, but I ain’t senile yet doc. I gave ’em all a phony name."