NASA had been troubled by all the recent stories of birds getting sucked into airplane engines and causing major damage and/or crashes.

Since space shuttles have no forward-facing engines, NASA fretted over the possibility of running head-on into a flock of geese and smashing the windshields of their shuttles. They decided to create a gun which would propel dead birds at speeds in excess of 1000 miles per hour into test windshields, to make sure their astronauts were safe when jettisoning into space.

A month after the creation of the gun, and tens of thousands of dead geese later, they were satisfied with the strength of the windshields. The British soon learned of the experiments, and asked to borrow the gun.

The U.S. obliged. About two days later, they received the following message from the British: Used chickens instead of geese, chickens being OUR main concern. On every attempt, the chicken smashes our highest quality glass, busts through it, smashes our speed detecting equpiment, busts through THAT, smashes the adjoining wall, destroys THAT, and takes out the building right next to us. What is going on?????

NASA sent a three-word reply:

Thaw the chicken.

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.

By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars.

Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run for the bridge.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other.

Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "but I was wondering if you have any bronze lawyers!"

A small tourist hotel was all a buzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.

The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years…

I thought he meant his money!!"

First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks, and Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker."

Janet responded, "Just because I am esthetically challenged (that's "politically correct" for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."

Hillary asks, "Well, how do you deal with the problem?"

Janet, "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can."

That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slips into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him.

She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.

Bill rolls over and says, "Janet, is that you?"

Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months. The only other thing on the island was the tall coconut tree, which provided them their food. Each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree, to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.

One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow! I can't believe my eyes! I don't believe this is true!"

The lawyer on the ground was skeptical and said, "I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now."

So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just seen a naked blonde woman floating face up headed toward their island. The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind. But, within a few minutes up to the beach floated a naked blonde woman, faceup, totally unconscious.

The two lawyers went over to her and one said to the other, "You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman. It's been a long time...do you think we should, you know, screw her?"

The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked, "Out of what?"

For women - Helpful info.
For men - For the woman in your life.

PREPARING FOR YOUR MAMMOGRAM:

Many woman are afraid of their mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in the privacy of your own home.

Exercise No. 1:

Freeze two metal bookends overnight.
Strip to the waist.
Invite a stranger into the room.
Place one bookend on each side of your breast.
Press the bookends together as hard as you can.
Set an appointment with the stranger to meet again next year and do it again.
Repeat all steps on the other breast.

Exercise No. 2:

Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box.
Have one of your strongest friends (or a stranger) slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.
Hold that position for five seconds.
Don't breathe.
REPEAT again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.
REPEAT all steps on the other breast.

Exercise No. 3:

Visit your garage at 3:00 a.m. when the temperature of the concrete floor is just perfect (anywhere below 32 degrees). Take off all your warm clothes and lay comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged tightly under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until the breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

CONGRATULATIONS! Now you are properly prepared for your mammogram.

When Jane reached the checkout, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the iintercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: "Price check on lane 12, Tampax, supersize."

If that was bad enough, somebody at the rear of the store misunderstood the word "tampax" for "thumbtacks."

In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom:

"Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train, after the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married"

"Why not", giggles the woman.

"Good", he replies, "Get your own fucking blanket!"

The psychiatrist was holding a group consultation with three young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he told them.

To the first one, he said, "Your obsession is eating. Why, you've even named your daughter Candy."

The second, he said, was obsessed by money. "Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

At this point, the third mother arose and, taking her little boy by the hand, whispered, "Let's go, Dick."

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."

The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear," she asked.

The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the fucking walls if you came to visit us again."

An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry.

Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their connubial relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.

"Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded.

The old guy paused....then he asked, "Was that one word or two?"