A young woman had entered her dog in the dog show in the smooth-haired breed category. To give it an advantage, she went to the chemist for some hair remover.

The chemist gave her the product requested and advised, "Just remember to keep your arms up for at least five minutes."

"Errr... it's not for my armpits," she flustered, embarrassed, "it's for my Chihuahua."

"Oh well, in that case," said the chemist, "don't ride a bike for twenty-four hours."

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

10 WARNING SIGNS YOU MAY BE TECHNOLOGICALLY IMPAIRED

Being technologically challenged or impaired is nothing to be ashamed about. In fact, millions of people suffer from it daily. Many, however, don't recognize their condition, and unless they talk about it, these people are often difficult to diagnose. It is our sincere hope that the following list of Warning Signs may serve as a guide to help you, or someone you know, make an informed decision.

1. After sending someone an email, you phone to tell that someone that you've sent them an email.
2. All your bookmarks are tech support sites.
3. Look at your email address. Does it end in "aol.com"?
4. You keep forgetting which side of the mouse you use to "right-click."
5. All your bookmarks are genealogy sites.
6. When your computer freezes, and someone tells you to turn up the heat in the room, you actually do it. 7. When installing software and it asks if you want to do a "normal" or "custom" install, you get upset that there is more than one option.
8. You say things like, "With my new 850 Mhz machine, the Internet is much faster."
9. You ordered a computer with a CD-ROM, but instead it came with a stupid cup holder.
10. You are told about viruses such as ILoveYou and warned not to click the attachments, then the next day you get an ILoveYou email and click on the attachment because, well, it came from someone you know.

If you recognize any three of these signs, you may be in need of an evaluation by a Licensed Techcare Professional. If you recognize five or more, you may be suffering from a more serious condition known as Reinstallzheimers. Seek help now.

Feudalism
You have two cows.
Your lord takes some of the milk.

Fascism
You have two cows.
The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

Communism
You have two cows.
You must take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

Capitalism
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

Enron
You have two cows.
You borrow 80% of the forward value of the two cows from your bank, then buy another cow with 5% down and the rest financed by the seller on a note callable if your market cap goes below $20B at a rate 2 times prime. You now sell three cows to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at a 2nd bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more and this transaction process is upheld by your independent auditor and no Balance Sheet provided with the press release that announces that Enron as a major owner of cows will begin trading cows via the Internet site COW (cows on web). I am sure you now fully understand what happen.

A Geek is someone who ...

1. has more e-mail addresses than coins in their pocket
2. has a faint 'monitor tan', but only on their face
3. uses three or more acronyms (URL, CD-RW, MSIE, etc.) in 90+% of their sentences
4. knows the complete version number of each program they use, but can't remember their spouse's birthday
5. remembers to run SCANDISK and DEFRAG each day, but forgets to put on their shoes
6. becomes spellbound at a connectivity problems lecture but can't stay awake at supper
7. knows the names of all robots in movies produced since they were 5 but doesn't have a clue about Aunt Jane's kids' names
8. can code an HTML page quicker than they can compose a short letter a friend
9. can recite the specs on any hardware they use but can't tell you their car's engine size
10. refers to buying groceries as 'upgrading the pantry'