While waiting at a bus stop for a bus, a woman stepped onto a weight machine that told your fortune and weight for a quarter. She put a quarter in, and out came a card that read, "Your age is 32, You weigh 135 lbs., and you play the fiddle." She found the fortune amusing, since she didn’t play the fiddle, But it did have her age correct. About that time, an old gentleman walked up carrying a violin. She asked him if she could see it. He agreed, and to their amazement, she started playing the instrument with what seemed a natural talent. She wondered if the fortune machine had actually known something about her that she didn’t.

She thought about it, and decided to try the weight machine again. She put another quarter in the machine, and out comes the card that reads: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you have gastritis." She found this one to be absurd, as she was in perfect health, so she goes back to the bus-stop to wait for her bus. While sitting there, she develops abdominal pains that continue to get worse until all of a sudden, to her embarrassment, she expels a great deal of noisy wind. She wondered about the fortune, and again was curious if the machine was capable of knowing stuff about her that she didn’t know.

She puts another quarter in the machine, and out comes a card that reads: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you are about to have sex." She laughed out loud, as she had been trying to find a decent guy for a long time and had been sexless for almost a year. She is sitting there waiting for the bus, when this attractive young man sits down and immediately their eyes locked, and she almost melted. The chemistry was incredible. They both knew that they were right for each other and that they were soul mates. They held hands, then quickly ducked into the alley and began to kiss. Before they knew it they were making mad love.

The woman was so amazed at the ability of the machine, that she had to try it one more time. She stood on the machine, put her last quarter in, and out came a card that read: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., You’ve Fiddled, You’ve Farted, You’ve Screwed around, and now you’ve missed your bus!"

One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the unemployment office to hire someone for the day.

When he arrived, they didn’t have any painters available, but they did have a gynecologist there. He reluctantly took him along to help.

A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time there were two painters, but instead he asked for the gynecologist again.

The clerk asked, "Why do you want a gynecologist when we have two professional painters you can take right now?"

He said, "Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But I’ll be damned if that gynecologist didn’t stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the whole house!!"

Three men were trying to guess the professions of their respective dates of the previous evening, judging by their bedroom performance and cconversation.

The first insisted that his date had been a nurse, because she said, "Lie back and relax. This won’t hurt a bit."

The second concluded that his must have been a school teacher, because she had said, "Do it over and over until you get it right."

The third figured that his date must have been a stewardess, because all she had said was, "Put this over your mouth and nose and continue to breathe normally."

"Ode to the Spell Checker!"

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

A furrier from the US goes to Helsinki to buy furs.

He arranged for a hooker to be sent to his room. After they were finished, he said, "I’m afraid my Finnish isn’t too good."

The hooker replied, "Your foreplay ain’t all that hot either!"

A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read "Unique Breakfast" so he walked in and sat down.

The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted. "What’s your Unique Breakfast?" he asked inquisitively.

"Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.

"Baked tongue of chicken?... baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken’s mouth!" he fumed.

Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like then?"

"Just bring me some scrambled eggs," the man replied.

An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles into a Podiatrist’s office instead and weaves over to the receptionist.

Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed and says, "Stick it through that curtain."

Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out his penis and sticks it through the crack in the curtains. "That’s not a foot!" screams the receptionist.

"Holy shit, lady. I never knew you had a minimum!" replies the drunk.