I was going to write about something else this month, but after reading yet another story of abuse and regrets I decided to write on that instead.

The title header of the post read : Read and heed - http://www.pantheus.com/forum/posts/15295.html

It is not the first time and I fear not the last time I will see this header… for while it seems the stories are indeed read… I’ve come to the conclusion that they are often not heeded. It’s the classic "this won’t ever happen to me" syndrome.

People tell themselves they are "too good a judge of character, I’m too smart, etc… "

Sometimes what you think is your instinct leads you wrong… sometimes when you ignore the obvious warning signs along the road you are bound to end up in an accident.

The one thing that has not been addressed (as far as I can read at least) is the emotional state of the abuser.

What kind of man/woman preys on another for their money, emotional support, or just for sport (such as physical abusers)?

The answer while simple is not so easily described. It is of course an emotionally disturbed individual. But, how do you tell, online, about a person’s mental stability? How do you differentiate between an angry outburst and an angry man/woman? How do you separate a case of the blues from deep depression?

One thing I’ve learned from online and even offline interaction is that people do not heed warning signs when they point to someone they’ve decided they like. They shrug of advice and refuse to believe that their assession of someone they hold dear is wrong.

So once more the words Read and Heed are laid down at your doors.

Here are somewarning signs that should not be ignored :

• Constant complaints of : work, wife, kids, financial situation, health… By complaints I mean those who constantly complain but never seem to *do* anything about the situation they are complaining about. This can mean either they are weak or that they are lying about the situation.

• Contradictions : if you start noticing contradicting statements… then they are cropping up too often.

• Shiftiness: Someone whose opinion seems to shift according to the surrounding… ie. People present / channel etc…

• Money issues : someone who is always in some kind of financial problem… always broke and always talking about it. He/she is either out of work or can’t manage their money.

• Accepting money : anyone who accepts money "or even accepts the offer of money" (after hinting for it) from someone they have more then likely never met is automatically suspect. Don’t send!

• No home phone : someone who tells you to call them only at work… they have no phone, the phone doesn’t work ect…. ect… unless that person has admitted having a wife/husband (in which case they are most likely hiding their online activities from them).

• Constantly looking for work: I’ve known some people online who have always been looking for a job.

• Love at first sight : Quick I love u’s = Quick I owe u’s. Even if there is an instant attraction or mutual pull someone who says "I love you" within days has not had the possibility to examine his / her feelings enough to sustain that admission.

• No friends - no family : A person whose sole existence revolves around his internet activities, can not possibly be leading a fulfilling life. While watching a documentary something else occurred to me… old people… often abandoned by family members and whose peers have died or drifted off… this is NOT a bad thing but it could indicate a person who has lied about his/her age.

• Anger : Someone who is constantly angry / bitter about life and people in general tends to indicate someone who is in some type of stress/situation offline and uses the net to shed his feelings.

• Neediness : Someone who is in constant need of reassurance, who needs to be constantly told and shown they are loved/cared for…

• Possessiveness : Extreme possessiveness, needs to know everything all the time, shows a clear lack of trusts by questioning and giving the 3^rd degree over each little thing. (not to be confused with the natural rights of owners to know what their slaves have been up to).

• Jealousy : Let’s face it most people are jealous to some small degree however extreme jealousy is a dangerous emotions, if someone is jealous of the time you spend with your friends, your children and your family, it will turn unbearable quite quickly.

• Online punishment : If there’s one thing online scening is good for, it is that it allows both parties to discover the others likes and dislikes in intimate matters. So if someone is into sadistic punishments online it’s almost a clear sign of his / her offline fantasies if not activities. In other words if they have not tried it yet, they probably will, and if you deliver yourself into their hands offline you become the perfect specimen for their experiment.one of these traits alone does not make an emotionally unstable person (some of them do), but someone who exhibits more then 3-4 of these tendencies is definently someone you should watch and observe more carefully before deciding to place your trust or life into their hands. I would even go so far as to say you should not do so.

Some guidelines procedures :

Be patient : It’s never easy to get to know someone even offline, why would you think it’s easier online?

Be careful : If you notice something that sounds / feels wrong it is better to question it right then and there then to wait to see if things will change.

Ask around : It is all right to ask for advice and opinions from others… however and I say this not to demean any advice received people can only give you the opinions they have formed from their own interaction with the person… sometimes people do not *click* it is always best to seek more then a couple of opinions.

Do not trick/test : Trying to trick or test someone in order to get them to reveal something *you* think they are hiding will 9 times out of 10 backfire on you.

Be honest : It is useless to expect honesty from people if you do not extend it also… because even when they are being honest you will not be able to know it as you will be judging them from your own ground.. which is a lie.

Remember a little disappointment now is better then a lot of heartache and regrets down the road.

I’ve heard many an excuse from people who found themselves in impossible situations… we are all adults here. No one’s put a gun to anyone’s head. Intelligence, life experience and your common sense did not suddenly fly out the window because you’ve found a new way of living.

Which brings me to another point.

This is a way of life. It’s not something to be rushed through to get on the other side or to get the reward. It is something that will set the way for the REST of your life. Don’t you think you should be more cautious… more patient in learning it?

Well wishes to all

Rakella

Rakella@usa.net