The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek. "I assume," she snarled, "that there iis a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is." he replied, "Breakfast."

Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her she cannot enter without it.

A few moments later, the lady reappears, wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse."

"But Father, I have a divine right," she informs.

"Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church."

A lady was lost in her car in a bad snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it. Pretty soon a snow plow came by and she started to follow it.

She followed the plow for about 45 minutes. Finally the driver of the snow plow got out and asked what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her that if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded, and said "Well I'm through with the Wal-mart lot, now you can follow me over to the K- mart."

A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone.

He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"

She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody at any time, any where -- your place or my place, it doesn't matter to me."

The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No shit? What law firm do you work for?"

They recently discovered a smaller scroll hidden in the cylinder of the first scroll of the ancient Biblical scriptures, believed to be the actual "first page" of the Bible. When deciphered, it read:

All beings, places and events depicted in this work are fictional, and any resemblance to actual beings, places and events past, present or future is purely coincidental.

WARNING: Some of the actions performed in this work are dangerous and should only be attempted by professionals familiar with the action in question.

NOTE: Those tiny points of light in the sky when it gets dark are called 'stars'. Some of them do blow up on occasion. In no way should this be construed as a sign that there is, beneath such an explosion, any form of saviour. Should such a misconstrual happen, the author will not be held responsible for the avalanche of arrogance, zeal, bigotry, humanocentricity and other vile acts which will surely follow the residents of the planet into time eternal until someone sees fit to erase the denizens of the world and let the author start over.

DSBN 0-000000-0000-1

Suggested retail: 1 sheep."

Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex:

1st: Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!

2nd: You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret?

1st: Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not kidding!

So the second old man rushed to the store.

Clerk: May I help you?

Old man: Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please.

Clerk: That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done!

Old man: Damn! Does EVERYONE know about this except me?

A group of senior citizens were sitting in the common room of their Senior Citizen's Lodge playing cards, as they do most evenings. One of the gentlemen remarked that he was getting very bored with playing cards every evening, and could remember when having an evening of sex was quite fun and entertaining. An elderly lady sitting near by piped up saying, that she too could remember when sex was quite the diversion for the evening - much more fun and satisfying than a game of cards.

The man proceeds to inquire if she might be interested in trying some sex then, instead of the cards, and she was certainly "game for it".

So, giggling like two teenagers, they proceed up to the man's bedroom and start to disrobe. They were practically nude, when the woman says to the man, "oh, I should warn you that I have acute angina".

Where upon, the man looks at her and says, "That's a relief because you sure have ugly tits".

At age 4 .................... success is not peeing in your pants
At age 12 ................... success is having friends
At age 20 ................... success is 'getting laid'
At age 35 ................... success is making money
At age 50 ................... success is 'getting laid'
At age 70 ................... success is having friends
At age 80 ................... success is not peeing in your pants

SCAM ALERT! WARNING! PLEASE READ IMMEDIATELY! THIS IS SERIOUS!

If you get an envelope from a company called the "Internal Revenue Service," DO NOT OPEN IT! This group operates a scam around this time every year. Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for the operation of essential functions of the United States government. This is untrue! The money the IRS collects is used to fund various inefficient and pointless social engineering projects.

This organization has ties to another shady outfit called the Social Security Administration, who claim to take money from your regular paychecks and save it for your retirement. In truth, the SSA uses the money to pay for the same misguided make-work projects the IRS helps mastermind. These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Americans out of billions of dollars. Don't be among them!

FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!

George W. Bush said at a press conference in Iowa that he thinks there is a better answer than Roe vs. Wade. Course at the time, he was thinking of what's the best way to cross the Manassis river. (Bill Williams)

Doctors say the death rate from liposuction is 20 to 60 Times greater than other operations. The only current example of sucking causing greater loss is this year's Chicago Bulls team. (Rosenberg)

Baseball's spring training begins soon. The Braves plan to use John Rocker this season in relief. Not middle or late. Comic. (Alan Ray)

Disneyland has upped admission prices again. You can tell the attitude has changed at the park. The eighth dwarf is now Greedy. (Alan Ray)

HOW TO IDENTIFY WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM:

1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO

2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: NEW YORK

3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY

4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON

5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES

6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in CALIFORNIA

7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY

8. One hand on 12 oz. Double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE

9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: TEXAS

10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: ALABAMA

11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below responded, "You must be a manager."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."