The Point by Nyre

We must define the act of infidelity as unfaithfulness, then apply it to the area of online Gor, which is a text based medium. The words with which we can seduce, love, and play have become controversial at best. Many feel that IRC is the safe affair, since you never physically touch the other person on the screen you share. You can choose to be whomever you wish; a doctor, a lawyer, beautiful, young, and intelligent. The people with whom you sit and type become bonded to you, and your thoughts. The enjoyment and experience of the community betters us. A place where the shy becomes outspoken, and the disabled can dance. The weak become stronger. These facts should have strong clarity, yet they do not. The basis of infidelity can indeed exist in a text- based medium. The feelings and actions performed are full of meaning, and value. After all, those personas are really us, in some form or other. Truly, fidelity begins in the heart and mind.

Perfection as people, and in society, is conceived of as unattainable, being human in a world that tries to sell perfection is confusing at best. Under the stacks of information we are given to learn, many are disregarding the basics, only a fraction of what we perceive is heard and applied. I back this statement with the example of our own value system, which is breaking down at an unprecedented pace. Consider the violence we are seeing in our youths around the world. The inability of kids to cope with any pressure at all is clearly evident.

The public eye can almost be dubbed ‘Big Brother’, for it catches every tragedy that occurs in every nation around the world 24 hours a day. We did not have the coverage of cameras and news media, even ten years ago, which has become common entertainment to us now. This was clearly shown in the case of O.J. Simpson. That media circus caught more attention than the Super Bowl. Who would have thought that a talk show could net millions of dollars on the disgrace, and humiliation of people and the human condition?

Adultery is the latest catchword and largest symptom of the breakdown of the family unit. The educators and psychologists of our nations claim that we are forsaking what little value system we did have in place. Parents are working three times as hard to meet the standards that are necessary to maintain a decent quality of life, and fewer women are able to stay in the family home to parent their offspring. We are now fully caught up in the biggest technology burst in recorded history.

This tells us that perhaps what has worked before is not feasible now.

Families are again bringing back more members into the home to deal with children, to reach out and ask for aid in these situations. Alternative relationships and lifestyles are now cropping up as a more cost-effective option to simple monogamy. Our divorce rates are soaring as we shift closer to the new millennium. Even societies that had not accepted the dissolution of marriages are now struggling to deal with the reality of broken vows, and its consequences. We are a selfish breed.

In Gor we are dealing with advanced issues, in a demanding philosophy. For some, the stools on which they seek to stand are crumbling to dust, as we struggle to determine what is morally and politically correct, and what is termed as ‘dislocation of values’. In short, we have become more self-oriented. The ‘me’ inside of us has and is becoming more important than the regard and emotional needs of others. "Be well within yourself before considering the individual beside you", sells faster then specialty coffees.

When a person enters what we know as IRC Gor, they are not passed a manual by which to live. The choices and paths that they must encounter and grow from only yield to experiences lived through the medium. Few have reached the stage where they can walk those paths in their daily lives.

The books were written as entertainment novels, not to be confused as being a Bible in which we can easily point out commandments. The foundation is what we extract from Norman’s works, and the attempt to apply them to a conditioned society and its laws has made it increasingly difficult to determine the rights and wrongs. It takes time to digest the enormous dos and don’ts list that is gleaned from those books through circumstance, incidence, example, and gestalt understanding, which has become the standard by which we strive to live. We must ask ourselves, as we enter this undiscovered country, the questions that are pertinent at the time to what is required to fulfill our basic needs. Between the "Tal"s, and the "I wish you well"s, there is so much more than just a story to tell. There is a path to follow, and a life to live. We must learn to crawl before we walk.

We must decipher the truth of Gor for those that would walk this path with us. A truth that is often realized far too late is the process and issue of infidelity.

As newcomers emerge from stagnant relationships into a sexually freeing philosophy, the war with infidelity seeps into us slowly. Four out five societies commit polygamy in one form or another, as per statistical research at Harvard University. On the highest individual levels, Presidents, heads of state, and the Kings of Europe have taken mistresses and concubines for centuries. Yet, we are still repulsed when the word ‘adultery’ is uttered.

We know through Norman’s books that if we could relocate to Counter-Earth, infidelity would not be considered an option. A kajira would not have the ability to decide if her mate was of Gor, or dominant, she would simply be a slave. Property, that is, owned by men. Free women who committed such acts, would find themselves unworthy of their station and be thrown to the ground, necks encircled with steel, or perhaps even killed. However, this presents a problem. We do not live on Gor. We live on Earth, in a society where we have lost the art of vital communication, the skill of explaining to our mates that we have needs and finding the solutions to meet those needs. We have lost the fundamental understanding that each has the responsibility to attend to the needs of the other. It is not cut and dry as we struggle to determine those needs. Often we find out much later that each required something totally different.

As newcomers, slave or free, we find the overwhelming urge for something we always knew we possessed with us but had never before dared to express. It could take years to understand fully the ramifications of sharing this philosophy to outsiders such as spouses, while picking our way through such a mass of culture changes. The philosophy of Norman’s work is not to be taken lightly, it is an all-consuming thought process which could take years to fully absorb and realize in our lives.

The act of committing an infidelity should not be the end of the process in which you have striven to encompass; it merely represents the beginning. The fallacies we have as humans tell us that we must be able to forgive, able to learn and grow from the errors we make in our lives. As a famous quote goes... "Until one has fallen, one does not know what it is to stand." It is not an integrity issue, nor a breaking of codes, for how can one be expected to know honour or keep codes which they have not yet learned within themselves? It is a simple stepping stone to acknowledge growth, to the philosophy we so desperately seek. It is the completion of an understanding.

How can we expect to learn and understand an entire philosophy and way of living one’s life in a day, a week or a month? To overthrow the tyrannies of a lifetime of morally bankrupt conditioning overnight? Being able to fall back on the fact we are human is completely warranted. We can, in the light of moral and ethical disaster, overcome our mistakes and strive to be better.

I believe that in the discovery of oneself in this philosophy, the act of infidelity must be considered. Should Goreans tolerate this period in which a person is discovering himself or herself. I say, yes. We should use our tolerance as one tool amongst many to teach what we too, once, had to learn. In doing so, the teachers will also be the pupils in areas they had not considered. Yes, we do need to put a higher value and stronger meaning on fidelity. This is not a debatable statement, but the learning process, which must have its place as well. Leniency is not what I am asking in these matters, but rather, absolute understanding of what is happening and the greatness of spirit necessary to help others who wish to learn what you have already learned.

In order for a person to know, and to breathe what Gor is, they need the stool to stand upon in order to pull it from its shelf. We cannot afford to kick every stool out from under each reacher, but we can allow them time to learn, an example to see in others, and patient instruction. It’s that simple. How do we give them the passion of making their word their bond if they cannot feel what the words mean? How can we attempt to teach the needed elements in which to survive to be of Gor? They must be given the chance to live. We must teach life, in essence. There are so many cases of individuals who are agonizing over fractured commitments that they made prior to their knowledge of Gor.

Does this mean they can suddenly throw out all that they were before finding Gor? No. They can attempt to rectify their mistakes, through understanding, belief, and perhaps a bit of help. Infidelity on the net has become a common tragedy. It has shattered marriages, torn asunder families and friends into so many pieces that sometimes, those relationships cannot be glued back together again. The wall from which Humpty fell was not so rare, for we have all fallen from it in our time.

It has been said that a slave can own nothing. Her name is not hers, and neither is her word, for she can be ordered by a master to break her word. With such delicate issues, how can we not expect to see the diversity in actions online? How does she pursue the right path? "Two roads diverged... and I took the one less traveled." If there is no light, how can any, man or woman, slave or free, see either road?

Each man and each woman must decide for themelves and for the relationships that they manage what price this will extract. ‘Do I follow these needs out of malicious intent, or simple thoughtlessness, or do I choose it because I know I cannot live without what Gor is bringing to my life?’

Men are generally known to desire many partners to fulfill their needs, while women tend towards to a singular solution, one on one. It is possible that the rare woman would prefer the variety in partners, but this raises security issues. Gor speaks of the Coin of Perfect Bondage as an ideal relationship between a Master and his slave, each person perfectly fulfilling all of the needs of the other. The need to consult a mate who may not be aware of Gor, for permission to explore feelings has become increasingly urgent. Too many marriages of convenience or financial imbondage are being lived out daily.

I believe the answer lays in the learning curve. It is in determining what we need as individuals to attain happiness. This sometimes does not include the choices we had made prior to finding Gor. Black and white situations rarely exist. Circumstance always intervenes. We have to have faith in those who are willing to learn, willing to act with integrity. To somehow bridge the gulf to them and understand their struggles. It is the ache to live, the ache to know, and the sheer passion to be allowed to touch what seems so basic, which drives them, and is our common touchstone.

To find such a Utopia, such fulfillment, we would give up almost anything, even our values.

I wish you well

Nyre

And the counterpoint by Kinayda

Should we as Denizens of Gor tolerate amongst us those who would commit infidelity?

I thought, at first glance, this would be an easy question to answer, rather cut and dried, but then I began to give it a bit more thought and saw that there were several twists that make it a bit more then that. The first thing we need to do is get a proper working definition of infidelity. Does it only include the physical act of coitus without the assent of one’s spouse? Does it only have to be with a person one is married too, or is a live in lover who understands the relationship to monogamous? Does it include cyber dalliances? For arguments sake, I think it best we confine the scope of this to the first alone and I will endeavor to elaborate why.

The generally accepted wording of marriage vows includes a statement stating that one is taking ones spouse and forsaking all others. These generally are spoken aloud in front of witnesses at the marriage ceremony. Beyond that, if someone goes into a marriage, which is in the end a contractual relationship, with a certain understanding and the other party is well aware of that understanding and does nothing to disabuse the other of his notion, is it any different then having stated it out loud?

These points make it seem rather black and white. Perhaps. We are in the end talking about theoretically rational creatures. Do we have an obligation to police them? Tell them, don’t be naughty? Be a ‘good’ husband! Be a faithful wife! Is that our place?

Well, you know what? It is black and white.

"Honor is honor, in small things as well as great. Indeed, how can one practice honor in great things, if not in small things?" Rogue of Gor pg. 231.

While a discussion about whether or not a slave has honor is not within the scope of this piece, we can make a start by looking at the side of the man. We as Gorean men are expected to work in the boundaries of honor. Our word is our bond; to go back on it is a refutation of what we stand for. A man goes into a situation such as marriage with the full understanding that it is to be an exclusive arrangement, and unless his spouse assents to his extracurricular activities he is outside the boundaries of honor.

The argument for women is a bit more of a general one that can apply to men as well. It is strictly a question of honesty. If she can’t keep her word to the man she lives with and sees everyday, the one who is to some extent in a position to do something about her dishonesty, how can a man who for the most part doesn’t have her under his thumb trust her? In the end, that is really the bottom line. It’s all one of trust.

No. We should not tolerate infidelity. It eats at the core of our belief system. It is a poison that seeps slowly into the being of the community, poisoning it with fear and distrust.

I wish you well.

Kinayda

© 1999 Kinayda , all rights reserved