CHOCOLATE MATHEMATICS:

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST! The whole problem takes less than a minute. Work this out as you read or you can use a calculator! Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate. (try for more than once but less than 10 times) [note: other versions of this substitute other activities for "having chocolate..."]

2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold)

3. Add 5. (for Sunday)

4. Multiply it by 50 (I'll wait while you get the calculator......)

5. If you have already had your birthday yet his year add 1751. If you haven't, add 1750.

6. Now subtract the four-digit year that you were born. You should now have a three digit number. And here comes the good part:

The first digit of this number is your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate [or whatever] each week). The next two numbers are your age.

This guy says to his buddy, "You'll never believe what happened last night."

His buddy says, "What happened?"

The guy says, "Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened the door, there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front porch. She said 'Can I stay here for a few days?' I said, 'Of course, you can,' and shut the door."

Things You Won't See On Hallmark Cards

OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
INSIDE: That you're not here to ruin it for me.

OUTSIDE: If I get only one thing for Christmas...
INSIDE: I hope it's your sister.

OUTSIDE: I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
INSIDE: After having met you, I've changed my mind.

OUTSIDE: I must admit, you brought religion into my life.
INSIDE: I never believed in hell 'til I met you.

OUTSIDE: Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder...
INSIDE: What the fuck was I thinking?

OUTSIDE: I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well-respected.
INSIDE: And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly.

OUTSIDE: Sex with you is like using drugs:
INSIDE: Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it.

OUTSIDE: When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
INSIDE: Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

OUTSIDE: The holidays are a great time to be with family.
INSIDE: Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!

OUTSIDE: I'm so miserable without you...
INSIDE: It's almost like you're here.

OUTSIDE: If you ever need a friend...
INSIDE: Buy a dog.

OUTSIDE: Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
INSIDE: Did you ever find out who the father was?

This guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, "Ballroom please."

A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."

A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near the outback. A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. So he goes next door, but on his way up the driveway, he sees the Chinaman running around his front yard chasing a bunch of hens. Not wanting to interrupt this "Chinese custom," he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinaman urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom," he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinaman leading his bull down the driveway, pause, and then put his head right behind the bull’s ass as the bull shits all over the place. The Aussie can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinaman and says, "What the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighborhood and see you running around the yard chasing hens, pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today, you put your head right up next to that bull's ass as he was shitting!”

The Chinese man is very taken back and says, "So solly, Sir. You no understand, these no Chinese custom, these Australian custom."

"What do you mean, mate" asks the Aussie, "Those aren't Australian customs."

"Yes they are", replied the Chinese man, "for you see, in order for me to become a true Australian, I must chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull shit!"

Q: How can you tell the Irish guy is in the hospital?

A: He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan.

A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the pharmacist, "I want me one of them thar condoms with pesticides on it. Where do I find 'em?"

The pharmacist replied, "Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They're in aisle 4."

"No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it," growled the farmer.

"Sir," said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, "PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I'm sure that you mean spermicide instead of pesticide."

"Listen here," argued the farmer, "I want condoms with PESTICIDE on it! My wife's got a bug up her ass, and I aim to kill it."