I HAVE NO NAME

Chapter 4

     Sometimes an awakening would almost happen, it could last but a few moment, to sometimes hours. I would always try to assimilate between cause and effect, but usually seemed to over look any of the root causes. Maybe I overlooked them on purpose, maybe I was just to afraid what I would find. I was no longer able to watch television, read newspapers, books or anything unless it had been first perused and agreed upon by my owner. I sometimes search back in my memory trying to remember what I had read in a book years passed. Remembering things was such a struggle at times, my mind with each day seemed to close another door. My thoughts revolving totally around only him, my focus, the outside world shut out.

     I rarely knew when he was going to be coming and going, sometimes disappearing for days and without a word then reappearing. I seemed to be always waiting for the short moments I could spend with him, yearning for his touch and presence. When I wasn’t with him, it was like my life was placed on hold, patiently waiting, never knowing when the other person would come back on the line. He was my salvation, with one word, one look I came back to the living.

     Over the years, I had been told he would own all of me. For whatever particular reason , there was still a small part, sometimes it would almost shrink to such a minuscule size and then emerge out of mindless rubble and bring back a sense of some forgotten reality. I at times tried to struggle to try and remember what my reality use to be, it was clouded by fog. At times it felt as if I was in a dream and lost, searching for the right door, how your mind is rather closed and confused though it seems clear, but dreams are for sleeping, not for when you are awake.

     Each day with love, I cleaned and cooked. Many times , I would curl up on the carpet, holding his pillow, drinking deeply of his aroma. Such a peace would come over men, as I held it close and closed my eyes. Each day I cleaned his room, made his bed, dusted , vacuumed and would stand back, reveling in happiness, that I was allowed these tasks.

     Lightly my hands swept over the counters, lifting each item, wiping underneath, almost as if a light sweep of my heart removing each particle of dust. Carefully lifting each book, lightly wiping the bindings, and at the moment my world of reality came to an end. Papers slipped to the floor, my breath catching for fear my owner may see what happened, but I was alone. Picking up the papers , my eyes catching numerous highlighted captions, I read.................

     Alertness reduction
Step One is alertness reduction: The controllers cause the nervous system to malfunction, making it difficult to distinguish between fantasy and reality. Programmed Confusion
Step Two is programmed confusion:. During this phase of decognition, reality and illusion often merge and perverted logic is likely to be accepted. Thought Stopping
Step Three is thought stopping: Techniques are used to cause the mind to go "flat." The result is the reduction of thought and eventually, if used long enough, the cessation of all thought and withdrawal from everyone and everything except that which the controllers direct. The takeover is then complete. Isolation Intimidation, Deprivation and Indoctrination The meeting or training takes place in an area where participants are cut off from the outside world. This may be any place: a private home, a remote or rural setting. In human-potential trainings, the controllers will give a lengthy talk about the importance of "keeping agreements" in life. The participants are told that if they don’t keep agreements, their life will never work. It’s a good idea to keep agreements, but the controllers are subverting a positive human value for selfish purposes. The participants vow to themselves and their trainer that they will keep their agreements. The real reason for the agreements is to alter internal chemistry, which generates anxiety and hopefully causes at least a slight malfunction of the nervous system, which in turn increases the conversion potential. Lack of Humor: No Release, No Resistance The final tip-off is that there is no humor in the communications...at least until the participants are converted. Then, merry-making and humor are highly desirable as symbols of the new joy the participants have supposedly "found." Dick Sutphen, "The Battle for Your Mind"

     The papers slipped from hands as a numbness encompassed by body. I sunk to the floor and read and re read them over and over. I heard nothing, time stood still as I tried to grasp what I read. Why would my owner have this? But, I already knew the answer. I realized at that moment, it didn’t matter what ‘he’ called this relationship, this lifestyle, he could call it what ever he wished, it didn’t make it so. At that moment, I decided I would leave, I wasn’t sure how, I wasn’t sure when, just that in time when I was strong enough, I would go.

(To be continued)