Our Good Humor Man - Mastiff, weighs in with four Gorean (for a change) Jokes. The rest you can blame on your lazy webmaster who didn't convert them. An Turian taxidermist, is visiting Cos when he comes across a tavern. He staggers in between the beer swilling locals and, in his well educated voice, asks the bartender, "May I have a ka-la-na, please, my friend?" One of the locals says to his mates, "Geez, what kind of a fucking man's drink is that?" Then, turning to the Turian, "Hey! You! Yes you, you ! Ka-la-na is for women, you some kind of larma-boy or something?" "Ac...actually," the Turian, terrified, replies, "I'm a taxidermist." "Oh yeah? And what's a taxidermist, then?" "I mount d..d..dead animals." "It's alright, friends," says the local, turning to his pals, "he's one of us!" An old Cosian is sitting with a young man in a tavern speaking softly to him. "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me Lacinerous-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.." Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. But do they call me Lacinerous -the-Bar-builder? Nooo..." Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Son, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off my back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me Lacinerous -the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..." Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. "But ya screw one urt . . . " Ba`Sil had been in the tavern business for 25 years, and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land on the island of Cos, Ba`Sil sees gets groceries once a month, but otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is this big, bearded local standing there. "Name's Enoch...your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... having a party Saturday...thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Ba`Sil, "after six months of this, I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Enoch is leaving, he stops, and says, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin." "Not a problem...after 25 years in the tavern business, I can hang with the best of them." Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n likely gonna be some fightin', too." Damn, Ba`Sil thinks...tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that's not a problem," says Ba`Sil, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there...by the way, what should I wear to the party?" Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, it's just gonna be the two of us." A free woman was shaking out a rug on the bridge of her companion's 17th floor cylinder when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "By the Priest-Kings, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die." As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you give oral sex?" "No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do want to have sex?" he asked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed. He dropped her, too. The poor woman prayed to Priest-Kings for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw! I'll do any and everything you sexually desire!!" she screamed in panic. The man replied, "Slut," and dropped her. X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649 -=[ Fun_People ]=- X-http://www.langston.com/psl-bin/Fun_People.cgi Underwear Filter Inspired by Gore's Campaign Against Methane PORTLAND, OR - Cicci's, a major U.S. clothing manufacturer has created the first-ever "environmentally friendly" underwear. This underwear features an inner pocket for disposable methane filters. Said Alfredo Cicci, environmental activist and inventor of the disposable methane filter, "Vice-President Gore's Campaign against Methane alerted me to the destructive force of flatulence. I knew something had to be done to stop the gas or the planet would perish." Cicci spent 3 years and 4 million dollars selflessly pursing a way to save the earth. The result of his labor of love is the disposable methane filter. Said Cicci, "The concept was fairly simple. It is similar to putting a filter on an exhaust pipe or smoke stack. We experimented with many different filtering combinations. Our test subjects would load up on beans and then go down to the lab for a 'smog-check'. We wiped out thousands of pairs of underwear before we finally found the right filter." Cicci claims that his disposable methane filter can block 99% of the gas and 50% of the noise associated with human flatulence. An added feature of the disposable methane filter is its ability to save marriages. Said Cicci, "We found that men who wear the disposable methane filter in their underwear are no longer able to gross their wives out by farting in bed and then fluffing the covers." Said one woman, whose husband helped test the filters, "This product is a god-send! There's no more smelly blankets, no more lingering gas in the living room, no more "come here and pull my finger". It's almost like my husband isn't home. I love this underwear!" However, there is down-side to the product. The filter is four inches thick. Test subjects complained that the filter feels baggy. They also complained that when they wore the filter people would point and laugh at them because it looked like they had dropped a load in their pants. Cicci assured BNN that he is planning to release thinner filters by the end of next year. Environmentally friendly underwear should hit the stores in time for the Christmas shopping season. Cicci urges that everyone do their part to save the planet by purchasing this new and exciting product. A salesman was traveling through the country side, flogging insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it." The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you." The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. Back to the house went the farmer. The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him. The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?" The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "Jeezus Christ, Mister, Doesn't that calf have a mother?" The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night. "Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive." The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again. "You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one." A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one, either." One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their hand. The teacher says, "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?" Sally holds up her hand and asks "is it a giraffe?" "Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up thier hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and says, "It's a zebra." "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?" Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father." Little Johnny shouts out, "Is it a horny bastard?" Ask any man, and he will tell you that any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other man is cleaning. Leaving the wedding reception the honeymoon couple hailed a cab to take them to their romantic boutique hotel in the hills. The driver wasn't too sure how to get there and said he would ask directions when they got closer. Meanwhile, the lovers couldn't wait and got down to it on the back seat. Seeing a fork in the road the driver said, "I take the next turn, right?" "No way, get your own," said the groom, "this one's all mine." Twas the night before Y2K, And all through the nation We awaited The Bug, The Millennium sensation. The chips were replaced In computers with care, In hopes that ol' Bugsy Wouldn't stop there. While some folks could think They were snug in their beds Others had visions Of dread in their heads. And Ma with her PC, And I with my Mac Had just logged on the Net And kicked back with a snack. When over the server, There arose such a clatter I called Mister Gates To see what was the matter. But he was away, So I flew like a flash Off to my bank To withdraw all my cash. When what with my wandering eyes Should I see? My good old Mac Looked sick to me. The hack of all hackers Was looking so smug, I knew that it must be The Y2K Bug! His image downloaded In no time at all, He whistled and shouted, Let all systems fall! Go Intel! Go Gateway! Now HP! Big Blue! Everything Compaq, And Pentium too! All processors big, All processors small, Crash away! Crash away! Crash away all! All the controls That planes need for their flights All microwaves, trains And all traffic lights. As I drew in my breath And was turning around, Out through the modem, He came with a bound. He was covered with fur, And slung on his back Was a sackful of virus, Set for attack. His eyes-how they twinkled! His dimples-how merry! As midnight approached, though Things soon became scary. He had a broad little face And a round little belly, And his sack filled with virus Quivered like jelly. He was chubby and plump, Perpetually grinning, And I laughed when I saw him Though my hard drive stopped spinning. A wink of his eye, And a twist of his head, Soon gave me to know A new feeling of dread. He spoke not a word, But went straight to his work, He changed all the clocks, Then turned with a jerk. With a twitch of his nose, And a quick little wink, All things electronic Soon went on the blink. He zoomed from my system, To the next folks on line, He caused such a disruption, Could this be a sign? Then I heard him exclaim, With a loud, hearty shout, Happy Y2K to you all, This is a helluva night! From: Chief of Operations, Office of the Fire Chief It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following: (1) Cardiac patients should not be referred to with MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again). (2) Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP (Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state. (3) Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to shreds), FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome." (4) HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms." (5) Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use is not considered "pharmaceutically gifted." (6) Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants." (7) The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen" or "residentially challenged", nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge". (8) And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), or NLPR (no longer playing records). Thank You. An Irishman, an Italian, and a Pole are drinking in a neighborhood bar. They're having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, if you buy two drinks, MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!" Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink." Then the Polish guy speaks up, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place called Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!" "Wow!" say the others. "That's fantastic! That actually happened to you?" "Well, no," replies the Polish guy, "but it did happen to my sister!" A new convert to Catholicism decided to go to confession to deal with his transgression. In the confessional, he told the priest that he had sinned. "What was your sin, my son?" asked the priest. "I stole some lumber, Father," replied the man. "How much lumber did you steal?" asked the priest. "Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new doghouse." The priest replied, "Well, that's not so bad." The man continued, "Father, I also built myself a 4-car garage." "Well, now, that's a little more serious." "Father, there's more. In addition to the doghouse, the 4-car garage, I also built a 5 bedroom, 4 bath house!" With a pause, the priest finally spoke. "That is a little more serious. I'm afraid you'll have to make a novena." "Father, I'm not sure what a 'novena' is, but if you've got the blueprints, I've got the lumber!" The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety. "Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses." "Warehouses!?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!" A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?" One of the Japanese men says, "Can't you see? We are all berry hungry." The waitress says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??" One of the other businessmen replies: "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!" A woman walks past three men in the office who are all bemoaning the fact they are about to be audited during the coming month. Says the first guy with a groan, "I'm screwed!" "I'm screwed, too!" says the other guy, slapping his forehead. "Guys, I am about to be fucked beyond all recognition by this audit!" exclaims the third guy in anguish. Just then, one of the guys notices the woman who has been standing there listening. She now has a very thoughtful look on her face. "Are you OK?" asks the guy. "Yes," replies the woman, "but I was wondering... How do I go about getting audited?" Three male crows are flying over head when one spots a dove. He swoops down, picks up the dove and takes it into the bushes. After a few minutes, the dove comes out and says, "I'm a dove and I've been loved!" The crows continue on. A little later the second bird sees a lark. He swoops down, picks it up and goes into the bushes. A few minutes later, the lark comes out and says, "I'm a lark and I've been sparked!" The crows continue on. A little later the third one sees a duck. He swoops down, picks it up and takes it into the bushes. After a few minutes the bird comes out, then goes back in. Then the duck comes out and says, "I'm a drake and there's been a big mistake!" And you thought the duck would have said something else... One day a woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper." The next day, the woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper." The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?" She replies, "Yeah, I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper." Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub!" He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet!"