One Door Closes, Another Doors Opens

by kaylee

There was a time in my life when, if someone asked what I would do if released from my owner’s service, I would have said it would be devastating. Particularly in the last two years, I have grown deeper into my surrender to him to such an extent that the concept of not being his property was unfathomable.

Yet, after much soul searching in the past few months, the man I served for the past six years chose to release me from his chains several weeks ago. He pointed out that it was not due to a failure on my part, nor a specific incident which prompted this decision. But after much consideration, he decided that it was time that we no longer traveled the same path as owner and owned.

My reaction surprised me. It was far easier to gracefully accept his will, even in this area, than I ever would have imagined. I do not believe this ease would have occurred two years ago, but in many ways the acceptance I have learned in his service has remained a source of strength even in this emotional life change.

I have mourned the loss of the dynamic. I do not believe that unenslavement is something that occurs the instant the slave is released. I miss being his. But I do not regret the experience, and I have come away from his service with many valuable lessons that would have taken me a lifetime to learn without him to teach me. My service to him has changed my life.

While I no longer am his property, I do not doubt that our time together has left a distinct imprint on the woman I am today and made me a better person for it. He is a wonderful man that I love dearly. I am particularly grateful that he remains a strong presence in my life, even though our dynamic has changed.

To suddenly make the adjustment from subjugated woman to an independent one was difficult. Changing my focus to be more self centered, instead of focusing on him, has been challenging and uncomfortable. I will not say it is easy. But it is doable, one step at a time. In my case, I had to examine all the options that presented themselves, and determine the path that is best for me.

For me, this involves starting a graduate program in the winter, setting personal financial and fitness-related goals, and learning more about the passionate, vibrant woman I have evolved into the past six years. It means re-evaluating my own ideas and standards after following his for so long. And it means I have had to create a new structured environment and must rely on the self discipline that he instilled within me during my service to him. It will be quite some time before I can even contemplate giving myself so deeply again, and that is not a priority for me at the moment.

I’ve heard bleak portrayals of release causing the slave to lose her sense of self worth and identity, to judge herself a failure even when the man says otherwise, and to hide herself away under a shroud of pain. While I have no doubt that this can occur to some women, I was happy to discover it was not the case for me. The experience is bittersweet, but I do not regret the experience of being his and would not trade it for the world.

There are three quotes that friends have shared with me during this transition:

Dismissal does not have to mean the end of the world for a slave. It can be simply the door closing on a path with a particular person and new paths revealing themselves.

With this news, I will bid my farewell to the Slave Heart column. The studies and goals I have ahead of me will demand my time and focus, and I feel someone who is currently owned could offer much more in future articles than I can. It has been a joy and honor to share my voice with you.

I am grateful for the friendly letters I’ve received from the Slave Heart column, and the opportunities graciously extended to me by The Gorean Voice editors. I will remain at my current email address for those who wish to contact me, and my writings will remain housed at the gor-on-earth site.

I wish you much happiness on your path.
-kaylee