It was the first day of school for the kindergarten class, as the teacher walked in the classroom, she noticed something was written on the chalkboard: "T T T 1A."

She looked at the children and said, "Who wrote this?"

Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "I did, teacher."

"Well, what does that mean, Johnny?" asked the teacher.

Johnny answers, "It means, 'To The Teacher 1 Apple,'" and with that, he gave the teacher an apple.

"Very good," says the teacher, "thank you."

The next morning, the teacher walks in the classroom, and notices, once again, something written on the board. This time the chalkboard reads: "T T T 1O."

She asked the children, "Who wrote this?"

Then little Bobby answers, "I did, teacher."

The teacher says, "Well, Bobby, what does that mean?"

Bobby says, "It means, 'To The Teacher 1 Orange,'" and he gives the teacher an orange.

"Very good, Bobby, thank you."

The next morning, she walks in the classroom, and she noticed on the board: "F U C K 1 T."

Disappointed, the teacher exclaimed, "WHO WROTE THIS!"

Then little Juanito raises his hand and says, "I did, teacher."

Angrily, the teacher asks, "Well, what does this mean, Juanito?"

"It means, 'From Us Chicano Kids 1 Tamale.'"

A Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she's going home for Rosh Hashanah.

"Oh," the Catholic girl says. "That's the holiday when you light the eight candles, right?"

"No," the Jewish girl replies. "That's Hanukah."

"Oh, right," the Catholic girl says. " Rosh Hashanah is the holiday when you eat the unleavened bread?"

"No," the Jewish girl replies. "That's Passover.

Rosh Hashanah is the holiday when we blow the shofar."

"See," the Catholic Girl says. "That's what I like about you Jews... you're so good to the hired help."

Headlines: Year 2055

1. Florida is finally readmitted to the union.

2. Spotted Owl plague now threatens Western crops & livestock.

3. George Z. Bush says he will run for President.

4. 50 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

5. Nursing home event--Clinton denies Candy Striper allegations.

6. Texas executes last remaining citizen.

7. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

8. Baby conceived naturally..... Scientists stumped.

10. Ozone created by electric cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles.

11. Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven inches.

12. Unionized Chinese workers now making 4,000,000,000 yen an hour. American owned businesses now returning to cheap labor in USA.

13. White minority demands civil rights and reparations.

14. New California law requires that all machetes, steak knives and baseball bats be registered before January 2056.

Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?"

But the initials really stand for "What would Jesus drive?"

One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because "the Bible says God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury."

But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm."

Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast." Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord."

Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills."

Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land."And, following the Master's lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda: "The Apostles were in one Accord."

A father came in the bedroom to find his 13-year-old daughter smoking a cigarette. "My God! How long have you been smoking?" screams the father.

"Since I lost my virginity," replies the girl.

"You lost your VIRGINITY!!! When the hell did this happen?" shrieks the father.

"I don't remember," says the girl. "I was completely drunk."

Lil' Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?"

"Because I'm thinking of buying these horses."

Johnny looked worried and said, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away!"

"Why?" his father asked.

"Because the mailman stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom!"

It has been known for many years that sex is good exercise, but until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric expenditure of different sexual activities. Now after original and proprietary research they are proud to present the results.

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent....................... 12 Calories
Without her consent.................... 187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands........................ 8 Calories
With one hand.......................... 12 Calories
With your teeth........................ 85 Calories

PUTTING ON A PRESERVATIVE:
With an erection....................... 6 Calories
Without an erection.................... 315 Calories

PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris............ 8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot.............. 92 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary............................. 12 Calories
69 lying down.......................... 78 Calories
69 standing up......................... 112 Calories
Wheelbarrow............................ 216 Calories
Doggy Style............................ 326 Calories
Italian chandelier..................... 912 Calories

ORGASMING:
Real................................... 112 Calories
False.................................. 315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging................... 18 Calories
Getting up immediately................. 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately......816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
20-29 years old........................ 36 Calories
30-39 years............................ 80 Calories
40-49 years............................ 124 Calories
50-59 years............................ 972 Calories
60-69 years............................ 2916 Calories
70 and over......................... Results are still pending

DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS:
Calmly................................. 32 Calories
In a hurry............................. 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door... 1218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door.... 3521 Calories