The Simple Guide to Masters

And now....a secret guide to the Gorean Master. Yes, the stomach may be the way to his heart, but how to you get to the brain? Through a thorough and comprehensive consultation with your friendly neighborhood astrologer. Right? Well, sometimes. We gotta eat too, you know. Again, Sun sign astrology will only save you a little bit of time through a glance at the"quick picture", until you get up close, and you can see the gum on their shoes, the funny haircuts, and the spinach on their teeth. Uck.

Remember, the Sun Sign (the birthday) gives the most general view of the personality. The Moon sign will show you the emotional and (well, yes) feminine side of any man - and also, the type of woman who attracts him. If his Aries Sun is opposite his Libran Moon, he'll boss you around with masculine mercilessness but never admit to his "unmanly" love of luxury, scented soaps, balsamic vinegar, and, God don't tell, Vivaldi. Act like a Libran female and win his heart. (Of course, such a man is also born during a full moon - howwwl!) Mars is the "typical" planet to pay attention to in a man's horoscope, and will show you in what area of his life his natural "drive" is focused (career? Children? Homestead?), and how he expresses himself sexually - need Barry White on the stereo, or an accordion? Saturn in a man's chart will also tell you the type of men he admires and the archetypal male "role model" for him. Does he admire Arnold, or Albert?

  KAIILA (March 21 - April 21)

Strong men with a tendency to bite off much, much more than they can chew, then trying to hold up an example of their desire to work it all off and wonder why everyone else seems to be so very lazy. They're intolerant of ambiguity or weakness, especially in themselves, and often insensitive to matters of circumstance in their fellow men. Weirdly, they also tend to be highly sentimental, so do NOT forget their birthdays, baptism date, and the anniversary of their first haircut. They might forget yours, though, although they'll make up for that if you don't complain. Just give them a winning smile. They give credit for your being a team player, you know. They're not particularly given to dull lectures, either of thrift or labor, as they tend to be rather excessive in their spending habits most of the time, themselves, and their work efforts come in "runs" of staying up for days at a time instead of a long, steady haul. They prefer to give pep talks anyway, of the MacArthur variety. They love to have lots of friends, community contacts, and be involved in more than one thing at a time - therefore, they're almost always in need of a large support staff of people who will obey, dammit. Dissent and disagreement is basically only tolerated when the dissenter is an equal; otherwise, Kailla men will listen to "the peanut gallery" when and if it pleases them. And they need attention, lots of it, when and where they say.Kruschev banging his shoe on the table at the U.N. is the prime example of this need for immediate voice. They make solid friends, or vengeful enemies.

  BOSK (April 21 - May 21)

Sensual and languid, Bosk men almost always can be won over by one of three things: red meat and potatoes, silk sheets, or someone even more financially sensible than they are. Perhaps that's four things. Anyways, it doesn't matter if you look like Godzilla, Gobbo the Clown, or Gwyneth Paltrow, as long as you are capable of producing one of those things (or learning how to), you'll be his forever. "Forever", by the way, in this case actually means actual "forever", for even though Bosk men may physically give up mates, slaves and friends, they never really let go completely. Most of them are sloppy round the edges; not quite slovenly (see Nar, ahem) but not particularly, shall we say, "attentive", to the details of etiquette and cleanliness. They're more focused on the bottom line, and the general picture, than the annoying details. They think more than one fork at a place setting is superfluous, alas. Like Verr types, they're living B. S. detectors, by the way, and can usually tell a lie or a fake a mile away, and even though they expect deviousness from human nature, they're always saddened and shocked when it appears. They're not simple, but they have still managed to retain at least a little innocence (or it is incurable optimism?) regarding humanity. Oh yes, and one more thing: Hear that tiny ticking sound? The famous Bosk temper, though very slow to rise, is unstoppable once it's in full swing. It's not nice to tease the Bull, in any way, shape or form. Hint: His temper, as it is for most of us, is closely tied to his sex drive. If you must make him angry, be sure to put on your fluffiest fluffy first.just make sure it isn't red, - or accept your risks. Or distract him with a serious discussion of mutual funds and bonds. (Yes, the boring type). They like to stand right where you are working and pontificate. (Kiss, SD).

  SE-SA (May 22 - June 21)

It's absolutely necessary to be able to engage this man on his intellectual level. Hide your "Build Your Vocabulary" books and read them in the bathroom with the door locked. Run the water if you must. Like the Se-Sa girls described in the last month's column, it's best for them to be able to approach one task at a time in order to avoid burnout, but at the same time they associate a measured approach with being intellectually restricted, and they can't tolerate it. A house heaped with books (and/or a computer drive stuffed with files), and a Full Time Librarian/Slave (those heavy frames turn them on, by the way) to keep it all in order, is heaven to them. Next best would be a companion who could play chess, discuss the news and order in Chinese, all at once, or discuss the Chinese news. Next best to that would be one of those digital pets you can keep in your pocket - they're not usually good with actual, live pets and plants, as they are way too busy jetting from Project A to Q without stopping. The slave-owning Se-Sa Masters enjoy a very low-maintenance type of pet, including you. They are not very good hand-holders, and tend to form loose networks of friends instead of solid and closed core groups like Bosk men. However, they do let go of stress more easily than others, despite the fact that they cause more than enough of it for themselves anyway. Once a month, they have to hide from everyone. Yes, everyone.

  TOOS (June 22 - July 22)

It's hard to get to know this type of man. Often, like their Verr brothers, they are deliberately laconic and cynical until you can patiently wait for them to reveal themselves. Don't be put off. Underneath the guardedness and sometimes sweet-and-sour realism of this man, is the heart of a painter/poet and often someone fiercely family-oriented, highly "tribal". Often careful with finances, they're immensely comfort-oriented and will prefer quality over quantity any day (except with food, more is often better as far as they are concerned). Many of them are excellent gardeners, historians or chefs. Few of them are wild 'n' crazy party animals. They expect you to be careful too, and frown on frivolity with your checkbook, your time and your emotions. Still, they're not geriatric; they always have a place for forgotten children's books, heirloom quilts, nubby sweaters, feely socks, floppy sad Velveteen Rabbits, scratchy LP records, bits of string, lost kittens, rejected homeless people, scraps of tinfoil, old TV Guides, stray bits of hardware, 5 ½ floppy discs, Perry Como 8-tracks, broken staplers, and used gum. Needless to say, they're packrats most of the time, and need someone to sort out the Important from the Unimportant and help them let go of unnecessary emotional connections to objects and people cluttering up their lives. Do it gradually. Be gentle but firm. They are, too.

  LARL (July 23 - August 23)

There he is, dressed in his pyjama finery: Holding court, Bud in hand, and someone-or-other chained at their feet. Yes. Hum "It's Good to be King", (Tom Petty) while bowing low and presenting the evening soup. Please don't make fun of the bed head in the morning, either. Larl men all need something to be proud of, a project that they can make their own: even if they are garbagemen, it's THEIR truck and THEIR route that is the cleanest and most punctual. They must be the most conscientious workers around, next to Barbarian Masters: it kills them to cut corners, and if they're asked to present their work in public, they'll stay up all night rehearsing if they have to. They need public recognition and praise, and tend to destroy or discount negative opinion even if it is constructive. A calm, ordered home environment where they can Rule is very important to them; being confronted with barking dogs and weeping children (or vice versa) is never refreshing to anyone, but it drives Larl men often to the point of despair. Often overly generous with occasionally undeserving friends and family, they sometimes give gifts just to be thanked and be shown gratitude, which will eventually backfire. Like Bosk men, they're always surprised to discover callowness and duplicity in their brothers, although they have the intelligence to realize that most people are cruddy anyway. Yet they don't stay hermits for long if they withdraw; they can't bear to see someone truly in trouble or in pain.

 BARBARIAN (August 24 - September 23)

Careful and conscientious, Barbarian men are sometimes thought to be from outer space. Look: How can someone look upon a gut-wrenching picture of a starving refugee from Delhi (or Tunisia, or Afghanistan.. or.. anywhere) and remark coolly, "It's simply a matter of economics, "and proceed to explain, in detail, the finer points of free-market economics, global trade practices and food distribution, monoculture, and on and on. Some may see this trait of Barbarian men as cold: yet this could not be further from the truth, as these are often kind, worried souls who have the gift/curse of being able to see All The Parts Of A Problem. Unfortunately, they don't always see all Sides of a problem, and so think that their (sometimes overly neat) solutions are often the only solutions. Many Barbarian Masters have specific, detailed ways of wanting to have the house kept, or food served; they're not terribly good (unless they're drunk) with vagueness and messiness. Loose ends of any sort drive them mad, and they despise hypocrisy of any sort, including within themselves.

  TEFA (September 24 - October 23)

Equally angered with hypocrisy, the Tefa Master will strive for social justice. Or, more pillows. The decision is often theirs, which is what they have a tough time with. Clearly attracted to luxe, but also painfully aware of what cost luxury comes with, Tefa men are often deeply conflicted about their desires for comfort and contentment in a world that so often lacks either for many others. The result is often a strange, head-in-the-sand attitude that affords them their prized luxuries, but they don't want to hear about the exploitation and profit gouging that got them there. They are often painfully aware of suffering and so are generally gentle and understanding with truly troubled souls until they are pushed too far with their energies and time; then it is time to run. Explosions of temper sometimes occur with Tefa Masters that rival even the volcanic eruptions of the Bosk men; fortunately, it's generally over fast enough and even forgotten about. They overdo dessert if they hide their emotions, which happens from time to time. Though other astrological texts say that Tefa will often sacrifice truth and honesty in the name of harmony, they are aware that the truth is often ugly; the trouble is in the timing in hearing it.

  NAR (October 24 - November 22)

Brooding and intense, Nar men are often very untrusting of all but a few special few in their lives. They're often convinced that there's a secret agenda in people's motives, even though there may be none at all, that may even border on paranoia. Why is the milkman so nice? What exactly did the checkout girl REALLY mean when she said to have a "nice" day? Did the weatherman on TV just wink at me? The few that they choose to invite (yes, invite) to be their Friends (capital F) probably have earned that right, through long nights staying awake with Nar, prowling the city, shoveling out muck in a rainstorm, or babysitting his children. Fiercely protective with his offspring/possessions (like Kaiila), very few Nar men will allow the common riff-raff to tromp through his home, his mind or his life without a careful, thorough, 929083-part screening process. They are not above giving little tests of loyalty and honesty, or at least testing their friend's reactions for the fun of it from time to time - anything from the rubber tarantula on the pillow to a sudden blind date set-up with Aunt Flora. Of course, it doesn't necessarily work both ways - they're usually outraged and infuriated when someone applies the same test to them; they see their friendship as a sacred trust and once given, it is rarely taken back except in extreme cases of betrayal. They respect canniness, even cunning, and they grew up fast. They probably made a study of James Bond films when they were twelve, or twenty-nine, both for the spying methods and the parabolas. Um, research only. Promise.

  RARIUS (November 23 - December 22)

Alas, "Do as I say,not as I do", may be more common than one would think in this set. They're well-meaning, of course, and very compassionate, of course, but more often than not, Rarius Masters are, well, shall we say, more liberal with themselves than they should be. However, they despise hypocrisy and doubletalk, and will cut through their own small self-deceptions in order to tell the truth under almost any circumstance, even when holding one's tongue would be most advisable. They make excellent administrators and are terrible at micro-management. They like to make snuffling animal noises in bed.

  VERR (December 23 - January 20)

Nixon, paranoid and gloomy, was a Verr. Verry, Verry. "I gave 'em a sword. And they stuck it in, and they twisted it with relish. And I guess if I had been in their position, I'd have done the same thing." His weird sense of ethics (he did have a system, strange as it was) justified his actions in one of the worst crimes in the history of the country, to himself, to the end. And his sense of turnabout and fair play also accurately sums up his view of human nature, though he hopes for better. The ultimate cynic, Verr men are often bitter, sometimes even angry, about the shabby state of the world and everything else, generally, and need someone to spruce things up, feed them right, and tell them a joke or two. Their needs are generally simple and their aims solidly planted in reality. It's easy for them to fall into the "victim trap", although usually their obsessive attraction to overwork keeps them from this identification. It's important for them to take time out far away from people now and then and escape into nature, not the Alibi Corner Bar & Grill.

  THASSA (January 21 - February 19)

Idealistic frequently into the realm of the loony, Thassa men often have the chance to say that they told us so. Their ideas, often dismissed as impractical and futuristic (such as the colonization of Mars, and gum with liquid centers) are often picked up years later by others and hailed as brilliant breakthroughs, with all the attendant hullabaloo. The danger, like with Se-Sa men, is overextension and overstimulation of the intellectual sort; they tend to take on too many cockeyed ideas to try to scrape them into a logical framework, instead of abandon them entirely, or the complete opposite: demanding Proof and Logic in matters of faith and opinion, and remaining coolly conservative in the face of truly groundbreaking matters of intellectual freedom. Beware: Getting passionate and sticky hits them out of the blue, without warning or prelude. They often aren't aware of it themselves, so pay attention to the mischievous gleam in the eye when it appears.

  PARSIT (February 20 - March 20)

Gentle and unassuming, most Parsit Masters have surprisingly incisive knowledge of what makes people tick - enough to allow them to manipulate others. The "M" word isn't all bad, you know. Most therapists have to manipulate their patients into changing their behavior - to convince them that they destructive things in their lives truly are counterproductive, and that health and love aren't boring or unattainable. Those Parsit men who take the reins of control and power are usually somewhat uncomfortable with the thought of unilateral decisions, but only because they are usually worried about wanting to protect their charges (even those they use, by consent). As with Barbarian and Toos men, the home atmosphere of calm and order is highly appealing to them, and it helps if they have their own space to which they can withdraw utterly and not be disturbed. Parsit men will never admit to their love of bathing, but a hot tub is very sexy. It soothes the soul.