submitted by: ~ creaah{C}, property of Caprus

*~*~* A Dirty Thanksgiving *~*~*
Things that sound dirty at Thanksgiving, but are not:

* Talk about a huge breast!
* Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
* It’s Cool Whip time!
* If I don’t undo my pants, I’ll burst!
* Whew! That’s one terrific spread!
* I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.
* Are you ready for seconds yet?
* It’s a little dry…do you still want to eat it?
* Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!
* Don’t play with your meat.
* Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
* Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once?
* You still have a little bit on your chin.
* I didn’t expect everyone to come at once!
* How long will it take after you stick it in?
* You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.
* Wow! I didn’t think I could handle all of that!
* That’s the biggest one I’ve ever seen!
* How long do I beat it before it’s ready?

There’s a man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir:
Please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg, and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours.

Now the man is really upset, since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head. So again he writes the company a nasty letter of complaint.

The next day he gets a small parcel and a note which reads:

Dear Sir:
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass, and go as a caramel apple.

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age. The group surrounded a dog.

Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"

One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we’ve decided whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

Of course, the Reverend was taken aback.

"You boys shouldn’t be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed.

He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don’t you boys know it’s a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was dead silence for about a minute.

Just as the Reverend was beginning to think he’d gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."

Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor. One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F.

"One day we should get her for this," said the first boy.

"I agree. We’ll grab her..." said the second.

"Yeah," said the third. "And then we’ll kick her in the nuts!"

A blonde woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms.

She answered, "Well, that depends on what’s in it for me."

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.

"Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

The devil visited a young lawyer’s office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you," the devil said. "I’ll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you’ll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife’s soul, your children’s souls and their children’s souls must rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment and said, "What’s the catch?"