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A former slave of mine once mentioned that she began her exploration of her submissive nature after taking a test that was, by design, intended to measure the extent of that very nature. That seemed quite interesting. And now with tests to measure every aspect of life popping up all over the internet like the HNG tunics at a dance contest, I would wonder if a test could be created to measure the Gorean nature of a particular person, be they free or slave. So in this month's column, I have created a little quiz to satisfy my own, perhaps morbid, curiosity. Now these are the rules… Read only the section that pertains to you, do not skip ahead and look at the scoring, and answer truthfully. Ready? Great. Now pick up your marking stick and rence paper, because here we go:
Free men
1) If a new slave comes to me for advice, I will:
a) Put her in a protection collar and white silks.
b) Collar her quickly before someone who is better in the battle arena collars her.
c) Show her a good website, explain the philosophy, and get her a few books.
d) Drink paga, belch, fart a few times, and let another slave help her.
2) I think that free women should:
a) Have to roll a 5 or a 6 to keep from being face stripped.
b) Be loved by all and be assisted in finding free companionship.
c) Be allowed to remain free until they are browbeaten into taking a collar.
d) Be allowed to remain as long as they know their place among men.
3) If I were to receive bad service from a new slave, I would:
a) Slay her, since she'll never get any better.
b) Give her a training collar, and put her under the tutelage of the first girl.
c) Explain my displeasure, then have another girl serve me.
d) Fart loudly and send her back to the furs to become someone else's problem.
4) If I were to receive bad service from a trained slave, I would:
a) Slay her, since she'll obviously never get any better.
b) Chain her to the post for a cyber-whipping, since I'm a muscular warrior.
c) Boot her worthless ass from the tavern.
d) Grab the bota, dump the drink on her head, and continue imbibing libations.
5) At a gathering of Gorean men, I am sure to:
a) Ogle at any of the slaves that happen to be along.
b) Drink all the expensive sul-paga available, vomit several times, and pass out.
c) Tell bawdy tales, drink plenty of paga, belch frequently, and pass out.
d) Have frank discussion on matters Gorean… then engage in any of a) through c).
6) If I am an Op in a channel, and an obvious HNG enters, I would:
a) Not be able to tell.
b) Be glad someone wanted to sit in the empty channel with me.
c) Boot them with a fancy personalized kick ban.
d) Explain the rules… Then boot them with a fancy personalized kick ban.
7) When entering a new channel, I usually:
a) Stride in, toss back my hood to reveal a black daggered forehead, and hunt evil men.
b) Hitch my kaiila, then walk in flexing my muscles and spouting phrases from "Nomads".
c) Enter quietly, sit in a corner, and listen to everyone else.
d) Take a seat in some furs, order a paga, and blame my farts on other people.
8) If I see the kajira playing too loudly on the serving furs, I would:
a) Beat them one after another for the next hour so there is action in the channel.
b) Beat the firstgirl for allowing such a breach of channel etiquette.
c) Ignore them.
d) Stare.
9) My quit message is:
a) A quote that my character would use if he were actually on the planet Gor.
b) A quote I would use if I were on the planet Gor.
c) A quote from my favorite book that sums up my feelings on the Gorean philosophy.
d) Something I thought up myself after too much "Ubar's Delight".
10) When I read the instructions to this quiz, I immediately:
a) Went to the answers to make sure I got them right.
b) Took the test.
c) Took the test, and now I'm going to read the rest anyway.
d) Just read the damn thing, because I know Mastiff is a jokester asshole.
Free Women
1) When I read the instructions to this quiz, I immediately:
a) Read the entire article, because I have every right, and would say it to anyone.
b) Read the entire article, but would never tell a soul.
c) Skimmed the free man section to see what was said about free women.
d) Went to this section, as my time is much too valuable to spend on the free man or kajira sections.
2) If a free man were to fart near me in a paga tavern, I would:
a) Giggle loudly and try and match the feat.
b) Loudly decry the uncouth behavior.
c) Grimace and hold my veils close to my face.
d) Let my eyes water and suffer in silence… if I ever darkened a paga den door!
3) When I watch a slutty kajira serve a man, I will usually:
a) Make a lewd comment concerning her disgusting display.
b) Admire her body with a smile and a nod.
c) Wish I could serve in that manner and remain free.
d) Realize the differences between myself, and a slave girl.
4) If I find myself being pestered to alcove by an HNG, I will:
a) Accept.
b) Whip a Gorean shortsword off my Xena belt and lop off his head.
c) Become enraged and curse him… and if that fails slit his throat with a concealed quiva.
d) Ask a free man for assistance, or just ignore him until his ego deflates.
5) When in a tavern, I always order:
a) Sul-paga. To show my mettle amongst the men!
b) Paga. But I have a reed straw brought so I can drink without lifting my veils.
c) Ka-la-na. But I never get tipsy!
d) Blackwine. So I can keep an eye on those men trying to peer up robes at ankle sizes!
6) If a kajira were to ask my advice on pleasing men, I would:
a) Try and use the opportunity to get her in an alcove for "hands-on" training.
b) Try and use the opportunity to get her in trouble.
c) Tell her to go suck vulo eggs.
d) Steer her toward someone with more knowledge in pleasing men as a slave!
7) When I deal with an unruly slave:
a) I beat her worse than a free man.
b) I beat her just like a free man.
c) I wait for a free man to beat her.
d) I request that a free man beat her.
8) I think that kajirus:
a) Are the truly enlightened, eager to serve my whim as is proper for men.
b) Are great for cyber-sex.
c) Don't really belong on-line, but I understand why some women want them.
d) Just aren't Gorean here on earth.
9) My quit message:
a) Pertains to the superiority of panther girls.
b) Is very sexual in nature.
c) Is very sensual in nature.
d) Is very… Hmmmm, I forget!
10) If I were in a tavern minding my business, and someone attempted to face strip me, I would:
a) Roll a 12 sided die to see if I should allow it.
b) Release my pet sleen to devour the offender.
c) Ask free men to intervene.
d) Just quietly leave.
Kajira
1) When I read the instructions to this quiz, I immediately:
a) Read the entire article, and because no one owns my mind I have every right.
b) Read the entire article, because I didn't think it was a command.
c) Skimmed the other sections, because kajira are, after all, curious.
d) Went to this section, as instructed.
2) If a man asks me for a description of myself, I reply by:
a) Sending him a picture of Cameron Diaz.
b) Describing a supermodel, and use the word "tresses" frequently.
c) Describing myself a few years ago, and sending my old graduation picture.
d) Highlighting my good points, downplaying the bad, but always telling the truth.
3) If I feel I am treated harshly by a free person, I will usually:
a) Tell my master immediately, so he can arrange an assassination and a pike for his head.
b) Tell him off, since I am a little treasure.
c) Tell my master, since I was probably displeasing.
d) Beg forgiveness of the free person, then tell my master.
4) When someone I think is an HNG calls me to serve, I reply by:
a) Ignoring him.
b) Telling him my collar is {rr~csHNG} for "restricted redsilk - can't serve HNG's".
c) Serving… but not to the best of my ability.
d) Treating him as if he were an Ubar… Since I should not judge men.
5) If I am given operator status when I enter a room, I will:
a) Bask in the glory of finally being recognized for the princess that I am.
b) Refuse to be an Op, but happily accept one of those nifty little voice + things.
c) Tell the moderators of the channel of my status in life and refuse the distinction.
d) Explain my station in life, and beg to be removed from the Op list, or beg to be excused.
6) My master has commanded me not to gossip with other slaves, so I:
a) Ignore him, because kajira are, after all, curious.
b) Do my chattering on another net, since I'm not a slave there.
c) Only listen to what other slaves say, but never repeat anything I hear.
d) Obey.
7) When I'm kneeling on the serving furs, I generally:
a) Whine loudly to get attention.
b) Play with the other slaves loudly enough to get attention
c) Offer to serve for 5 ehn, then ask to leave.
d) Beg to serve quietly and occasionally, knowing I am there to please men.
8) My quit message is:
a) A bold statement about my sexuality.
b) (Quit: Connection reset by peer)
c) A book quote that explains to people how I view the world.
d) Whatever my master commands.
9) In an alcove I am:
a) Worried that my husband will walk in the room.
b) Paga hot because I have to be reserved in my life off-line.
c) Paga hot because that's exactly how I am off-line.
d) As pleasing as possible!
10) If I am offered a collar, I consider:
a) How many battle points the man or woman has in the fighting arena.
b) How lovely the ceremony will be, and how nice I'll look in a new collar.
c) How much my belly burns to serve the man on-line.
d) That the collar is offered, and that I haven't begged for it.
Scoring
Okay, now that you've answered all the questions in your category, it's time to add up your score to
see just how Gorean you really are! Here is how you do the math:
- Give yourself one point for each a) answer.
- Give yourself two points for each b) answer.
- Give yourself three points for each c) answer.
- Give yourself four points for each d) answer.
- Add a point if you are a free man and farted while you took the test.
- Subtract a point if you are a free woman and farted while you took the test.
- Subtract a point if you are kajira and farted while you took the test, but only if master heard it.
- Subtract a point if you are a free man, it is after the 14th bar, and you haven't had a paga.
- Add a point if you are a free woman and hid the paga while your companion took the test.
- Add a point if you are kajira and served paga during the test.
Now, total it all up and check your score below:
0 to 10 - Either you can't add, or you're a tee-totaling gamer.
10 to 20 - Pretty bad… You live at Epcot?
20 to 30 - Still a bit iffy, but you know a thing or two.
30 to 40 - Congratulation and salutations! Great score!
40+ You lying, farting, paga sucking bullshitter… No ones believes you!
Well, there you have it. The great Gorean fitness test… Did you pass? Now here is the real
question I want to ask… Does it matter? You see, I made up this entire quiz. I set the scoring,
and I wrote the answers. But the fact remains that I am not your judge.
Yet we, as a group, are your judge, your jury, and perhaps even your executioner. It is highly unlikely that anyone will sidle up to you and ask a question from this article (although it may make a few websites as gospel), but people who are Gorean will be watching the actions you take and hold them to a very high
standard. And I ask you… Is that a test you can afford to fail?
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