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By arielbird{S} A Hall of Mirrors, or a Circle of Friends? Greetings Masters, Long ago, in the Pleistocene era, when dinosaurs roamed the earth and 486's were not yet being used as doorstops, I discovered the Internet. Imagine my happiness when my fantasies of finding similarly-minded, service-oriented female slaves like me were realized in the mushrooming groups of “Gorean kajirae” - egroups, listservs, and web boards which I found to be of varying quality and helpfulness. Because of this, in time, I became an advocate for closed and selective slave communities, those in which the Free are invisible or mainly absent, as in my experience it has been in such a milieu of lower stress and constant tension of potential inspection/criticism by one's superiors, slaves tend to drop their guard and speak candidly to one another of their experiences. Casualness, when allowed with one's superiors, is an immense privilege - as it can be with one's more experienced peers. But it is important not to confuse casual interaction with careless behavior. It has been my experience that such communities (online or otherwise) often are not the free-for-all with slaves suddenly transforming into “subbie brats” and running amok that Masters often fear. Rather, often these “sheltered” and hand-picked communities have a shared language and a relatively common ground based in shared perceptions, and are valuable resources for venting frustration, getting and giving tangible help, and finding a kindred soul. However, in time I began to see and understand some new things about these rapidly aging online communities, even the closed ones purportedly inviting and/or selecting members based upon their (perceived) experience and skills, and not just groups for slaves (online or offline). Often, there was a core group responsible for founding that did nothing to dissolve the aura of almost mystical superiority of being original founders or “here first”, ergo the keepers of the keys to “how to do it”. Because of this arrogant, apparent difference from any “mere" newcomers, there was often an anxiety to ally oneself with the “in group”, to the point of not risking to ask the difficult questions that inevitably arise in living a life in accordance with one's inner structure, sometimes counter to the surrounding edicts of society and culture. Often, to my shock and surprise, one slave or another would find herself not assisted by the community that she heretofore trusted, but instead to her dismay and shame held up by her peers as an example of a Girl Gone Bad, or ostracized with silence if her writing hit a common nerve or a common fault too dreadful to mention (e.g. the deliberate or willful “testing” of slave management). An honest plea for help was often answered with scathing or unhelpful lectures, bordering on the sanctimonious, peppered with “oughts” and “shoulds” of “how to do slavery”, and sounding rather more like Aunt May scolding her nieces than any slave helping in the spirit of “sisterly concern”. Sadly, many of these communities to many became something to impress, to "save face” in front of at all costs, instead of a supportive and nurturing place to be. Perhaps it is because the goad of the horrid judgment, “[you/she] is not a [true] slave”, is often used against many of us even before we come to any shared community, which makes many of us so afraid to evoke that awful and meaningless condemnation, especially from our peers. If we have doubt about the feasibility and logic of total obedience, if we once are seen to look inside our hearts and question our own motives, backgrounds and fitness for slavery, very often the flag of “subbie” is waved and our “sisters” become hounds released to tear us to pieces for the benefit of their own public self-aggrandizement. It all seems based upon an irrational fear that such “failure” is contagious: these doubts and fears are more often than not derided, ignored or discounted instead of being honestly and compassionately addressed. Finally, slaves internalize that impossible ideal, that intangible, perhaps nonexistent state of “true slavery” and use the ideal as an invisible but hurtful weapon instead of examining the motives for its destructive and belittling use. It's time to drop the attitude. Communities, closed or open, are helpful only if raw honesty is the foundation upon which communication is built. If a slave comes to a closed, selective community of her peers (or a public one, for that matter) and is truly trying to learn, it is intimidating enough to find women who claim to have been living as slaves for years, even decades. Needless to say, few of us were born into slavery. Few of us really know how in the process of becoming slave, or we know it only for ourselves, what worked when imposed upon us or springing from our own motivations. In short, we just “do it”, and there are often spectacular failures as well as quiet successes. Both are valuable. We are often taught how by those who own us - or taught by the examples of others who are going through the process if our owners simply desire to reap the results, as is their prerogative. It is important for each member of a slave community to realize that no slave, not a one, ever reaches a completely “finished” state. If we, as slaves, become more willing to help one another by showing with honesty and self-compassion, our failures - our shortcomings, then we can show the origins from which we came and show the work we are yet willing to do. If we are truly to be slaves, we must drop the attitude of smug and superior perfection; and accept our failings with humility, honesty and humor. This is not to say that one should drop the desire to strive for perfection - in fact, humility and compassion are indeed part of the state of perfection, but also crucial elements of a life worth living in the meantime. Slave humility directed outwards into our slave communities becomes compassion, acceptance, a sense of communion, patience with setbacks often common to us, and shared experience. “Compassion”, in its Latin origin, literally means “to suffer with” another, to get down there in the mud and tears, and feel the same agony, the same growing pangs, and to really want to change the suffering. This takes real insight, real time, an actual admission to being wrong (human!) as well from time to time, and perhaps a real connection with the person receiving help - much more difficult than quoting passages from “the books”, or even giving “cyber hugs”. We must be more willing to tell, and more willing to hear, the truth about the real, raw difficulties -and pleasures - of our lives in service and the process of becoming more slavish - more obedient, more willing, more acquiescent, more pleasing - in short, to grasp with humility and patience the incredibly difficult, though usually rewarding process by which a woman voluntarily relinquishes her rights to personhood to become a slave. Most importantly, we must each be ready to distinguish what we as slaves think we need to hear vs. what we really need to tell each other (and really listen to). It is not enough to be humble with one's Masters and superiors. We must also be humble with one another - stop trying to impress one another with cooler-than-thou one-upmanship, which is the destruction of any community intended as giving support instead of grandstanding and ego gratification, slave or not. Often, this happens without the individual even realizing that desire - one wishes to be well thought of and respected, which is only natural. But it is better to be respected for one's honesty, than one's parroting ability. One must always be on one's guard, and always be willing to admit and accept one's faults, fear, doubt, failure and hesitancy - and not just to oneself while presenting a Barbie-perfect veneer. Otherwise, well-intended support collapses into a one-size-fits-all propaganda, and the community becomes an echo chamber, a sea of yes-girls, nodding heads without a thought, but secure all the same in a meaningless community acceptance of one's “individuality”, predicated upon one's total and thoughtless acquiescence to pompous party lines. Community presence comes with community responsibility. To take from “community support” and resources without displaying a sense of reciprocity and a gift of honesty about this really very difficult choice, is nothing less than parasitic. Each member of any community - online, offline, or otherwise - owes it to every other member of that community to contribute something worthwhile, meaningful, from the core of being, without platitudes - or get out. She wishes the Masters well, arielbird{S} Comments, questions, topic suggestions are always welcome ...please email a girl at kessia_s@yahoo.com |
