+ Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
+ Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
+ Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
+ Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can’t it get us out?
+ Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
+ Even on the right track you’ll surely get run over if you just sit there.
+ An optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds. A pessimist knows it.
+ There is always death and taxes; but death doesn’t get worse every year.
+ "People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them somebody famous said them first."    - Benjamin Franklin
+ It’s easier to fight for one’s principles than to live up to them.
+ I don’t mind going nowhere as long as it’s an interesting path.
+ Indecision is the key to flexibility.
+ If it ain’t broke, fix it till it is.
+ I don’t get even, I get odder.
+ In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
+ I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
+ Dijon vu --the same mustard as before.
+ My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
+ I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
+ I *am* in shape. Round is a shape.
+ Practice safe eating -- always use a condiment.
+ A day without sunshine is like night.
+ I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
+ It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you all the questions.
+ Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
+ Age doesn’t always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.
+ Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should be changed regularly and for the same reason.
+ You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.

And Moses looked upon the LORD and said:

"We are your chosen people and you want us to cut the tips off our what??????"

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them.

The beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling.

The birch says: "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.

"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don’t you let me take you home?"

"Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won’t have any of that carrying on in this bar."

The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don’t understand, I’m Pastor Fuzz."

The bartender nodded. "Well if you’re that far you may as well finish..."

Many colleges and businesses tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial to either the beginning or end to make up an e-mail address. For example, Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may happen when you have a large and diverse pool of people from which to choose. Add to that a large database of company/college Acronyms and you have some very funny addresses. Probably not funny to the individual involved, however:

TOP TEN Actual E-mail Addresses

10. Helen Thomas Eatons (Duke University)
      eatonsht@dku.edu

9. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania)
      dickinme@iup.edu

8. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University)
      kissinfk@lvu.edu

7. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University)
      aspicker@pu.edu

6. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University)
      ibballin@bsu.edu

5. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, N. Division, Overton Canada)
      btkisser@bendover.com

4. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us)
      ihadcock@tru.com

3. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University)
      cumminme@fu.edu

2. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.)
      Blowmegd@dropdrawers.com

But at No 1, it had to be...

1. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating)
      beeranbj@myplace.com

1. Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, & a diet coke.

5. Only in America...do banks leave both doors open & then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway & put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of 10 & buns in packages of 8.

9. Only in America...do we use the word ’politics’ to describe the process so well: ’Poli’ in Latin meaning ’many’ & ’tics’ meaning ’bloodsucking creatures’.

10. Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

11. Only in America...can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box & a draft-dodger live in the White House.

Three duffers were taking lessons from a pro. The first hit it way to the right.

The pro said It’s due to "LOFT".

The second hit way to the left. The pro again said is due to "LOFT".

The third trying and the ball just went a few feet and stopped.

The pro said, "LOFT."

All three questioned the pro about LOFT.

He replied, "Lack Of Fucking Talent."

Note: This riddle must be done In your head and not using paper and a pen.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it.

Now add another 1000.

Now add 30.

Another 1000.

Now add 20.

Now add another 1000.

Now add 10.

What is the total?

(scroll down for answer)

Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don’t believe it? Check with your calculator!